dragon_amor

Kami
2004-03-15 06:59:03 (UTC)

I wish

For a long time now, it seems to me, has it been since I
remember feeling joy, or feeling as if I could think of
anything I like or enjoy doing - or WISH for...

It is becoming clearer.

Before all I could do to come even close to such ideas was
to think of the things I regretted - things I regretted
doing, people I regretted losing - things I used to have
that made me happy that I no longer have anymore - thus
was unhappy for not having. I didn't have the strength to
feel. I only had weakness in my memory fueling my
sadness. Now - as new replaces old - I grow. More
precisely, newer more recent things that once made me
happy push out the older things that made me happy so long
ago - and my mind longs for these things now much as it
once did for the things that came before. But even as the
new regret replaces the old regrets, I see a few
differences occuring. with the old regrets, came the
memory of once being happy and feeling happy and sharing
my happiness. With the new regrets come the memories of
being so plagued by the old regrets that I could not
myself feel much of how happy I was, nor share it as a
consequence of not feeling it - but I was a happy human
being. I see how the sun of old became the clouds of the
present - the wind - time itself - now blows in leaving
yesterday as clouds over me now - but I see the light of
yesterday now, though I did not at the time. Not
completely.

I'm not even realizing this for the first time - I'm just
understanding it now.

--------------------------------------------
My interview went really well, looks like I will get the
job, move to Troys, and be working out again. This is a
relief to me in so many ways. I can't wait to hate my
job! lol. I will look at myself as a tool needing to be
used, rather than my normal outlook - which see's a lot in
great distaste of this world. I got to do so much so
soon. I'm at an impasse.
--------------------------------------------

I watched Wrestlemania XX with Ray Doucette and Johnny
down at the colonial tonight. All I could do was picture
Misty down at the Capitol with Julie or Racheal or
probably with one of my replacements - but anyways - all I
could do was picture her watching it too and I wished for
something and realized I haven't wished genuinely for such
a long time.

I wished for the ability to call Misty, to hear the voice
of the girl that loves me - but that girl doesn't exist
anymore. There is still Misty, there is still me, there
is still Ceolia, there are still my feelings, there are
still Ceolia's feelings - so I realized that all I was
wishing for was her love that I lost - it is all that
changed, it is what caused the rest to change. She must
have made me happier than I knew for me to wish it.

But it is stupid of me, I guess.

Where one can not find hope, one should forget. I find no
hope today for me in her heart - I still have much to go
through before I can get her out of mine... including
finding the will to really want to forget her.

Perhaps it would have been better if I had never allowed
her to know how I felt. It was my instinct to not trust
her with such knowledge originally when I met her, though
I never knew why....




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