Holden Caulfield

A Reversal in Progress
2004-03-15 06:49:50 (UTC)

The Dreamers and the Doers

Before I start rambling of the events of today allow me
to reflect back to Thursday night. I went to this kid
jacob's party. I hardly know the guy but Amy was invited
hence I'm invited. It was your sterotypical party: alcohol
underage drinking loud music and conversations with no
consequnces. I volunteered as the Designated driver for Amy
and Jessica P. I usually play the role of the DD, I guess
I'm through being cool. So I see a bunch of old faces from
WSHS how have gone off to Gainsville or Tallahasse. Sure
it's great to see them again but its different. I'm no
longer speaking to the same person I knew in high school. I
feel as if I'm talking to a memory or a ghost. There's no
common ground. In fact I didn't really want to to talk to
most of the people there. I just took a step back and
looked around asking myself "How is this getting me any
closer to self-actualization?" It wasn't at all. I told
myself that I could sharpen my social skills but how can I
have a stimulating conversation with someone who's barely
conscious. I didn't want to waste my breath, plus i hate
conversations when it's all about catching up. I don't want
to know what you did in the past I want to know what you're
doing now. I feel like a dick when i ask my so called
friends "So what school are you going to again?" I have to
ask that b/c I didn't care enough to keep in touch. It's
awful to say but it's the truth.
In addition to the akward moments of silence Amy got
really drunk and eventually needed to go outside. She got
really sick and started vomitting towards the end of the
night. I felt bad for her so I just kept giving her water
paper towels and little back rubs. It was then I realized
that I have this complex dealing with me trying to play
the savior/hero role. It applies to all of my major
infatuations and love interest.
Let's go way back in time all the way to elementary
school, the 2nd grade. One of the first girls I had a crush
Jaime Ortega. I first liked her b/c well she was really
pretty but on of the things that attracted to me was that
she was sorta poor. SO I figured I could buy my love. I
remember for Valintine's day I got her a card and a pair of
earrings for 99 cents. The whole class made a big deal of
it even my teacher Mr. Galindo, who ended up reading the
valintine card himself. But then her house burned down and
she had to move away. I never saw her again.
#2 Erin Graves, middle school 7th grade St. Mary
Magdalen. She was the super smart super quiet introverted
girl. I tried to be the one that helps her find her wild
side sorta liven things up make her more socialable. After
a few months of long silences I claimed that she was a
major bitch and never spoke to her again. I even got her
sister to be my Confirmation sponser in hopes that she
would talk to me.
9th grade, a girl from Korean Church Lisa Lee same
situation super smart super quiet. So once again I tried
to play that "hey look at me I'm fun exciting spontaneous
guy that can show you the world. But this time something
actually happened. The last time I ever saw her I spent the
afternoon at her house b/c my mom couldn't pick me up from
Korean school. We watched "10 things I hate about you" in
her room. By the time the credits started rolling we shared
a kiss. It was great, it was sweet and innocent. That was
the last time I saw her b/c her father converted to baptist
or some shit like that.
10-11 grade The dreadful Melissa Hamblet. Her weakness
The cutting.She would cut herself and smoked pot all sorts
of stupid bullshit. She also had this b/f that was an
asshole. So after they broke up I tried to be that rebound
guy. You know show up like a knight in shining armor. To
skip the details, Let's say she was a life changing
experince in which no one should ever have to go through.
11th grade summer vacation sorta Lauren Shullman Same
thing as Melissa the cutting and she just got out a really
long relationship. Same idea sorta but better results. We
were a good couple and had a lot of good times gave me
things to write about. Actually she introduced me to this
online journal thing so you can blame her for it. Plus we
had a happy ending. Sure she broke up with me but were
still friends and still keep in touch. So that was a big
accomplishment for me.
12th grade Amy Bach. Speech class, Super smart super
quiet. The funny part is i think while I tried to talked to
her in class she was more annoyed than interested. But hey
we're still together and I'm happy b/c she's happy. I just
need to make sure she doesn't drink any more liqour.
So why do I have to be the hero and save everyone? I'm
not sure it's just some deep seeded issue. I think it might
have to do with my belief that by saving these girls from
whatever it is I can redeem myself. Or I'm an arrogant
bastard who thinks he's better than thier previous/current
boyfriends.
Now that I just got that out of the way and forgot what
I was writing about........oh shit yeah parties
hmmm......yeah they pretty much suck and I think it's sad
that at those kinds of parties it's not the
conversations/connections in which provokes up to go but
its the alcohol in the center of conversations "whoa dude I
just had 5 shots" "whoa dude like who gives a fuck?" We
should talk about religion, politcs, science, literature
art, movies, music, human relationships, conservation of
resources, morality, freedom, rights, the future,
stimulation of the mind, and love. There is a war going on
right now and I have no idea why it's happening. I'll
admitt I don't know much about those topics but that's why
I want to talk about them so I can know so I can share
ideas become more knowledgable, become closer to self
actualization.
I need to get closer to God, and to do that I need to get
closer to God's people. I need to connect with my family
and friends. I need to show my appreciation for the people
in my life. I neet to tell them that I love them and that I
value thier time and friendship. So let me start reaching
that by saying to you my friend, my audience, my critic, or
anyone who finds this journal:

I love you
and
thanks




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