purple star

blur

i feel unconscious. i feel like a thousand failures. i
feel a thousand tears run down my cheeks. i feel many
things i shouldnt.... and im falling.

i wish i could express myself as vividly as the color
paints my past and my life and my memories and my future.
its funny... because if you think about what the word vivid
means.... and then you attach it to my point of view....
its very much the opposite. its kind of funny. how my
mind tells me one thing, but my heart tells me another.
when i write the word vivid... i dont think it in my mind,
but i feel it in my heart. so strange.

i think i want to be a star. but not the kind of star that
first comes to mind. i want to be a star in someone's
eyes. i want to shine so brightly in the opinion of
another that they cant describe it. that it pains them to
think of me as anything other than their star. and i want
to know that they think this. no one has ever told me that
i am their star.... i think as soon as i find someone who
believes this. i will have found my match. its strange to
re-read that.

yes i am fucked up in the head, and maybe this makes no
sense. but thats how i feel. someone understands. even
if i dont know who that someone is right now. and now
hopefully i will dream of my star.. and know who it is.
one day. one day. god am i fucked up or what?