Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-03-13 06:36:12 (UTC)

The Academy, Day 1

It's 1249am. The snows falling in moderation, and I expect
there to be alot of ice in the morning. Too bad it's not a
school day tomorrow.

I didn't want to write again tonight. But, I thought maybe
this time I needed to a little more than the other times
this past week. Actually, ... I'm kind here for two
reasons. One, I'm trying to distract my therapist.
Two, ... Well, like I said before.

Spring break started, a few hours ago. More like, 12 hours
ago. I just finished dinner and finally picked up the
phone, ... therapist. I was hoping she would forget the
session tonight or be busy. But that's too optimistic of
me. I'm not just in the mood right now to deal with
anyone. To deal with anyone else's problem but my own. And
I just got a message from someone who's quite mad at me.
And I'm not quite sure how to make it better. I'm not even
sure if it's even possible to make things better. I don't
really know how right now. Or if the other person even
wants to talk to me ever. Well after what I said I am not
surprised. I'm just kind of in a shit hole. I mean that's
why I'm thinking about it right now and I'd rather not
have my therapist over right now.

But... I did forget that I had any problems at all, as she
started yelling at me why I haven't picked up the phone
for the past 7 hours. Yes. That is what I need. More
people yelling at me and cursing. This day is actually
getting better. Well honestly, I just thought she was a
telemarketer. They always call at the most precise time,
on the quarter. Or at half past an hour, or quarter till.

It's not my fault she keeps calling at the same fucking
time every few hours. It's not my fault she called at 630
or whatever she said and then again an hour later, and
again 2 hours later. But then again, it's not her fault
either. I guess it's no one's fault. Which kind of now
makes me wonder about my latest problem.

That was 2 hours ago that my therapist called. Since then,
my therapist has arrived. We hung out for a bit, and I
brought her to my room. She did not bring the candles like
I thought she would. Much to my relief.

I can't say I'm the master of this kind of stuff. Since, I
don't think I've quite mastered it myself. This day, is a
very good example of that. But, she asked me. And I can
not decline her request. I still have a debt to pay with
her.

The first lesson I thought I would try to teach my
therapist is that calmness doesn't come from waving your
hands or chanting. Or something odd like that. It comes
from within the disciplined mind. An empty slate.

So I'm having her count from 1 till whenever I have her
stop with her eyes closed. I'll have her stop sometime
soon. Which will be in approximately 30 minutes. Well, 5
minutes now left now I mean. I'm trying to teach her a
little concentration so she can become quite focused and
at the same time, ... able to concentrate on everything at
the same time. The focus is going to come from the number
counting. The ability to be aware of everything around her
will come from the outside noises and whatever sound I
make. So I'm typing on the keys, and breaking the
otherwise complete silence in the room. Interjecting
random numbers. When my watch hits 30 minutes, I'll ask
her for what number she is on.

I'm so damn tired. I just want to sleep. It's Spring
Break. Why couldn't we have done this tomorrow. In the
afternoon.

Well I guess I was wrong though. She isn't trying to sleep
with me. That kind of reminds me, about today. I was in
data structures and I was looking at this recursive
algorithm on the board, and I could have sworn it was
missing something. I could have sworn it was wrong
somehow. I thought my professor was wrong. So I brought it
up and tried to point out something I thought was an
error. Well my professor ran it on the board, and it did
just fine. I was in fact wrong for thinking he was wrong.
It made me realize... that I can still be wrong sometimes.
And that I am not correct all the time. Well I'll ponder
that one later.

Well, my therapist is pissed that she has to count the
numbers again. But hey, she submitted to me. It's my
instruction. Although with the way she is behaving, this
might go on for a long.. long time. Her number by the way
was 892. That's absolutely wonderful. Not really. she
should have at least gotten past 1000. I wonder what the
hold was up.

... Well I'm drifting asleep. My head keeps spinning. And
my therapist is on the verge of going unconscious. I think
I'll kill the lessons tonight and start up in the morning.
I can't remember the last time I slept in late. I just
need to be alone in bed. So, I think I'm going to tuck her
in and sleep in the other bed.

I hope tomorrow's better.

I was playing monopoloy today (yesterday) with a friend,
and I remember winning all this money and real estate. I
would slowly buy her stuff by offering thousands of
dollars just for one piece of worthless land for like a
bunch of cash. No matter what happened though, I always
got my money back when she landed on my houses. So it was
as if I was just buying away her real estate. When I think
about it, that whole part of the day while I was playing
monopoly... I was lucky with dice and money. If I could
have used that luck for something else... It would have
been with Andrea today and how today turned out. God. What
have I done.

I really hope tomorrow is better. Else this is going to be
the most worst Spring Break ever.




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