lindsay ann

doppelgangers...

so, my xanga is the happy one...well, somewhat happy...it's
pretty much my surface-level struggles that i would tell
anyone...and i've realized that all the other crap needs to
go in here..if that makes sense.

yesterday, i went to the jacuzzi by myself and it was
fun...but the weirdest thing happened..my senses were like
overloaded in an instant. i smelled the weird chlorine
smell that only our pool has, felt my chin on the pavement,
felt the sun beating down on me...and it felt like last
year. and the year before. and every time we've been at a
pool...and every little weird emotion that i'd pushed away
recently came flooding in, and i was absolutely
overwhelmed..i can't even explain it, but the feeling is
literally one that makes you feel so amazing and warm and
comfortable, and even a little bit nervous because your
head is screaming at you, "everything is possible!"

as i was sitting there feeling totally possible, i wanted
to cry...i kind of did...because i'm in the midst of the
weirdest year, wanting only for it to be summertime so i'll
have enough time that my friends won't think i'm ditching
them...i'll be done with this pointless semester of
school...i'll be eighteen and won't have a curfew...i'll be
finally transitioning...summer would just ease so much of
my pain....what an awful attitude. why can't i be
content? i'm so sick of going to a school full of eating
disorders and drug addicts and spoiled kids with no concept
of reality. i'm sick of the wrong impressions people have
of me...i hate that people see me as stingy just because i
don't want to spend money on things that aren't
necessary... i hate that people see me as insecure because
i don't dress slutty... why is everything so reversed? i'm
trying to do the stuff i need to do to be the person i want
to be later in life, and everyone thinks i'm dumb.

i love my family right now...i love my baby brother so
much, and i've been thinking about what i would do without
him around, and i don't know!! i'd be devastated...i love
my job, too...like, i'm not obsessed with it...but i really
need to be saving money for college (yeah, really. my
parents are making me contribute. i know it's unheard of)
and it's a good way of doing it...whatever. i'm happy with
how things are going, but i hate that other people seem so
disappointed in me...responsibility sucks.