Jammes14

Mercury
2004-03-12 09:12:14 (UTC)

again

this is getting ridiculous. the voices in my head are
screaming. literally arguing, throwing insults. basically
between me and my subconscious. i, the referee, and my
subconscious, pure hate for myself. i cant win. everything
i do is hated by my sc. and the girl who sits in front of
me in econ isn't helping at all either. im open, she's
open, there's an easy possiblity there. but my subconscious
is killing me. it says no. so then i have to say no. it
manipulates everything. im at its mercy. everything i do
and everything i dont do is awful. its just constant pain.
nothing has changed. ive said that so often. its not
improving. dealing with it and repressing is improving, but
the voices are getting stronger to compensate. im going to
have to self-mutilate myself. i haven't hurt myself since
the days of mercury. well, that girl in front of me is a
new mercury, i guess. love leads to self-mutilation. can't
win. ill have to cut myself on my hip, since i can't cut my
wrist or thigh without people knowing. twitching has also
increased a lot recently. i cant keep my head still
whenever im nervous. it jitters. shakes. i dunno if i have
too much or too little muscle in my neck or what. maybe im
just getting worse all together. i dont think my life will
end in suicide, but it probably end from me jumping into
danger. id be the first to sacrifice myself for someone.