sosad

SoSad
2004-03-12 04:02:44 (UTC)

you don't even know how i dance

ok, so i don't even remember the last time that i wrote in
this diary. this is like the place i come to confess
things because i know that no one that i know could ever
read it. yeah, so i'm trying to drastically change my
life. again. i'm really good at proclaiming to myself
that i will make changes for the better, but like it
toally never happens. i wonder why. so agian......i
guess i'm trying to take myself seiously. i tink this has
been my main problem. i take things lightly because
frankly, it's easier that way. but if i could just force
myself to care and commit about certain aspects of my
life, i know that i could amke some long awaited
adjustments. god i sound like a bloody self help book,
but the fact of the matter is, I turn 21 in a few days and
frankly....i just have had a flashback on my life and what
i've been doing with myself. i just want to convey in my
being the things that i've learned and recognise tha tit's
all not in vain. i need to find meanings and realize what
i want and need. i feel like i excell in certain areas of
my life, but then i totally disregard others and there
becomes this massive disconect. its like the whole left-
brain-right-brain struggle going on all of the time. i
remember a few years back when i had a similar epiphany.
a dear friend made me snap out of a life long habbit of
judging my self worth based on how i percieved others
percieved me. my friend, he was just like "WELL WHY THE
FUCK DO YOU CARE????!!!" attitude and i was just
like...yeahhhhh why DO i care what other people think????
and i realized that i don't. I mean, that's an
overstatement. I CARE about what people think,
absolutely, but i do not base my actions around what i
think that others would approve of. In the past i had
just puttered around being miserable trying to please
people i didn't even fucking LIKE. i was a changed
person after i realized all that and i just started
sharing the "FUCK IT" attitude. but alas, that has its
downside also. there's one thing to being true to
yourself but it's another to be fucking self-righteous
24/7 about everything and anything. right now at this
very moment i'm trying to really find myself...er
something. like a mid life crisis or something. that's
how i feel. like i'm at a crossraods. there is no end
the the number of times i have equated my life as a
crossraods. arg. i just need something new and that's
what i'm getting at. TIME FOR CHANGE. it's been a while
since my life has been rocked, but lately i've been
feeling the tremors. i have been shot down HARD in the
past week on 2 occassions. twice, this week i have felt
like crying. choking back tears and questioning what I
did/didn't do. why had things gone the way they did? I
will never know and now is certainly not the time to dwell
so I'm trying to get this all out of my system. out with
the old and in with the new. spring bloody cleaning of my
life. speaking of spring.....it does not exsist in the
city of chicago. the seasons go from winter to summer and
nack again with no discernable period of "fall"
or "spring" that's one reason chicago is not cool. it
just isn't. i wonder about this town.....a lot. i'm
anxious to leave it.....to go to NYC, even to go to
OMAHA....and then whereever i go after school, which is a
whole nother journal-rant to begin with. so yeah,. trying
to turn a new leaf. should be exciting. should be,.....




Ad: