Ad 2:
2004-03-11 23:39:23 (UTC)

Decision Time

March 11, 2004

The last day or so, I’ve had a strong subtle nagging in the
back of my mind.

Today it moved forward to the physical with a slight
discomfort in my right breast.

This hasn’t just now surfaced. I’ve been aware for sometime
that there was a thickness in the lower section of my right
breast. The first notice was of what appeared to be a crease
running vertical from the bottom of the breast, up toward
the nipple, approximately an inch to an inch-and-a-half. I
stood in front of the mirror and stared in silence, without
thinking anything, just staring.

Shortly, after my first conscious awareness of this crease,
I heard from some source not now remembered.... “....look
for any indentations or dimples in the breast as warning
signs of breast cancer.”

I really can’t say what my emotional or mental reaction was
as either I don’t really remember, or I honestly didn’t
react strongly, or at all? This may be a sign of what the
psych community refers to as denial? It’s odd how I have
thought myself as somehow exempt from several psychological
traits; denial being the only one to come to mind, presently.

Also, I am no different than any other woman who refuses to
believe that breast cancer can happen to her and believes it
only happens to other women. I recall hearing my own voice
say that I didn’t see myself dying from breast cancer. I saw
myself going quickly with something like a massive stroke or
heart break.

Heart break I say, after all, isn’t that what really
happens? Your heart breaks and we call it an attack. An
attack from what, whom, or where? In this case, it would
probably be considered self-inflicted, and while I wouldn’t
want to blame another as I don’t believe it to be another’s
responsibility, I do blame the substance and atmosphere of
the past twenty-two years, and my inability to deal with it
all in a more effective manner, being conducive to a
healthy lifestyle.

The anger, rage, frustration, neglect, sadness,
disappointment, never hearing my name, the isolation, the
competition, lack of affection, the broken promises of a new
direction, the personal failures, and a lack of ability to
forgive myself. The on-going vicious circle, without
solution, with a feeling of being trapped certainly hasn’t

And I wonder if simply the idea of getting older, and the
attitude of this country in-general towards older women,
doesn’t add to a sense of decline —a premature decline. I
have a strong sense of being diminished. A strong sense of
sadness, when I sit down and really address the issue with
reflection, when I know it couldn’t possibly be positive
toward a healthy, happy, long lived life!

How do I feel diminished? I always thought of myself as
being outgoing, friendly, people loving, generous, giving of
self, loyal, compassionate, empathetic, forgiving,
understanding, dependable, fun-loving, hard-working,
responsible, reliable, intelligent, organized, getting the
job done, supportive, encouraging, creative...... just some
of the traits to pop up. Point being —then how did I get
where I am today!?

Is my situation something I can correct? Or has it
progressed and gone on too long? It really does irritate me
when I hear someone say, “Well, it’s never too late.” There
really is such a thing as too late! Some things simply
cannot be fixed —is my situation one of those things?


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