OrganizedConfusion

Conversation Peace
2004-03-11 03:47:56 (UTC)

(I've been updating live journal more)

Dear Journal,
Mmmm.. Pie is good. I has taken me an hour to eat a
freaking peice of pie. Wow. That is just spiffy. I feel
sick every time I eat. I felt okay after my pop tart this
morning. That is about all that has managed to escape this
feeling. It feels like I am going to barf up all of my
insides after I eat. The more I eat the worse it feels. It
didn't start untill all of this bull shit started though. I
have to get over it.
I feel this sudden need to look presentable. I am on the
market now. I suddenly am finding all these guys to be cool
and what not. It is funny how feelings change. I need to
really think about what is going on. Why is it I always
feel the need to talk about my feelings to the wrong
people. It is like I want to tell Mike how I feel about our
situation when I shouldn't. It would be like telling the
guy you have a crush on, how you have a crush on them and
you aren't sure how to handle it. Right now I don't know
how I feel about anything so it is driving me insane.
I need to meet new people. I hate being alone. I hate
being in my house and I am not sure why. I suddenly have
the urge to be independent. I want to make something of
myself and fast. I don't feel like there is time to waste,
and that life is going by too fast, and yet I can sit here
and count the days as I wonder what is up with Mike. I
asked my mom if I applied to UIC if I was excepted for
freshman year if I could go. She didn't say no, she just
asked if I seemed like I wanted to. I would, but, I don't
know.
I need to leave Mike alone. In fact I am mad at him. I
try to say how I feel inside to people. I try to tell the
honest truth but, I can never do it. This worries me. I
keep thinking about doing things I used to do. You know,
the bad stuff. I tell myself no though. It is just a way to
get, or at least try to get attention and last time it
didn't even work. Not to mention I would be a psyco bitch
ex-girlfriend. Even though that has nothing to do with it.
Mike breaking up with me made me depressed. I am okay with
the break up I just can't settle my emotions. Today I asked
him to go with me to Bakers Square. I kind of wanted to
just show him that we could just be friends but I regreted
it the moment the words came out of my mouth. My intent was
to not do anything. Just kind of go. I hate being alone.
Not status wise. Just alone in general. I hate being alone
so much, sometimes I just drive around and keep myself
company by the other cars around me.
So I am very confused. Mike acts like he is trying to
keep normality. I go with it kind of, and kind of don't. I
don't think he knows how I act with my friends. When I am
compfortable with someone I do stuff like, I'll put my arm
around someone and be like, "Hey, what's up there buddy".
So if I do that to him out of habit in more than one way it
is like oh no she is hitting on me. So now I am in an odd
position. I am trying to seperate myself from being
posessive, clingy and flirty. From girlfriend to friend. So
what happens if I flirt with my friends. I just don't know
what to do with myself. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!?! So it
hurts. I asked him to ride with me and he just shut him
eyes and stood there. Then I said nevermind because I
regreted the words slipping out of my mouth and went to
walk out. I looked back and he was still like that. I am
Keith all over again.
Okay, I should move on. Alright. So I try to move on and
I end up having to watch my every move. I think guys and
girls should be all the same breed. Right now even if I did
find some other guy sexy and want them desperatley I
wouldn't give into temptation. Haha that sounded physical.
Anyway I wouldn't. However now I am all self - concious and
all this other crap so, I am either parinoid so-and-so
realises I am available now and this has unleashed some
secret desireable urge in them or that they think I am
after them the same way. Some people make me happy and some
people don't. Not happy like I pretend Adam and Jeremy make
me (well, I shouldn't say that ::wink::) but happy like I
forget that something is wrong.
What am I doing to myself? In honesty I want Mike back.
In honesty I don't think it will happen. I set a plan to do
something now and I get all mixed up because I read into or
more like think into it too much. There are only so many
ways you can take something someone says. However that also
means what someone says, can mean more then one thing. It
is like this, I could go and tell Brandon (the guy I work
with who at one point had a crush on me) that he was an
awesome, carings and considerate guy. He soooooo is that
too in my opinion. However so is a ton of other people in
the world. Shit, Kellie is all of that and NO I AM NOT LIKE
THAT. So, how do you take that. WELL, I wouldn't know where
to begin. So I would sit down and try to think of something
before I screwed up and gave him the wrong idea. The next
day everything is planned I go to talk to him and I get so
nervous I am going to say the wrong thing that I get all
mixed up and sound stupid. So then I freak out because I
made it seem like I liked him. Well what the hell do you do
when everyone you talk to is a guy (aside from Amanda).
I lost all train of thought now. My sister came in the
room. I feel awful all of a sudden and I am listening to
the happiest music in the world. Maybe because it makes me
think. I don't know. I'll write later maybe. Peace.




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