Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-03-11 02:22:01 (UTC)

Unfocused Discourse on Nothing at all

It's 642pm. The sky was an interesting shade of pink a few
hours ago. I can honestly say I've never seen anything
like it before. It's cold out, yet at the same time ...
rather refreshing.

I'm here now, wondering what to do for dinner and what to
do with my homework. I suppose, I could have some more
tuna sandwiches. Yes, I think I'll do that right now.
Oh and enterprise is on tonight. I'm such a sci fi geek.
What wait.. it's a repeat and it's time slot got moved up?

I think I'll just have a tuna sandwich.

So it's now 737pm. It didn't take me that long to actually
finish two sandwiches. I was just kind of lounging around
doing nothing afterwards. I almost forgot I had this up.

I'm wondering where Andrea is actually... She's not been
online for awhile. I imagine she's real busy.

So I was talking with Mel again today. As usual she was
flirting with me. She told me that she was hoping to see
me today. I can only imagine she was in a better mood than
yesterday. It seems women have this period where once a
month they fluctuate quite intensely in regards to their
feelings. Curious. At any rate, we basically talked about
well... her work, her friend, relationships.. things of
that nature. I am always wary of releasing more
information than necessary. Not out of distrust for her,
but rather... out of politeness. It is not in my nature to
disclose much about myself to anyone. It's just not the
polite thing to do. Although, when someone asks about me,
than I know it's a signal that they want to know more
about me and thus I am free to disclose anything that they
ask. Well, not every single thing. I mean, I'm not going
to disclose personal information regarding anyone that I
know.

I'm still thinking about what she told me. What Mel told
me as we talked this day. This flirting she does with
me... it kind of hooks me. Not to say that I am growing
attatched to Melanie in that way. Although I am growing to
like her, as a friend. I just sort of sense, a kind of...
barrier between us. Sort of as if we are walking on
outline of something. Oh she'll pierce the outline now and
then, and then stay back on the edges. I am not quite sure
what motivates her to do so such things.

Pretty. The star is in the sky again. Although I have no
clue what star it is or if it even is a star to begin
with. If I watch it closely enough, I can detect the faint
movement as it makes its progress through the night sky...
populating my lonely view of the universe with itself.

I had the strange sensation Mel wanted me to call her.
Towards the end of the conversation I mean. Whether this
is what she truly wants, or what I want... I am not
certain. Definitely though, I am not going to ask her. I
leave that up to her to ask. She is the one afterall, who
told me she didn't want me to call. So only she may be the
one who can say that.

For the last two days I've not really wanted to write
much. I've just sort of felt empty to be honest. I'd sit
here, look at the empty screen and decide not to write.
Having nothing on my mind to write about. It's strange
then to actually start writing so much. I suppose... what
it is really is that I have so many people I know that
actually read this journal... that it sort of makes me a
bit cautious of what to say.

In a sort of depressing sort of way, it should not matter
for obvious physical reasons. But despite the feeling that
it should not matter... I do care very much for them. It's
a bit sad, but at the same time... It's just how things
are I suppose.

Actually I was just thinking about what I was just saying
a few moments ago. How it is that I do not disclose
personal information about people. But I have been doing
that all throughout my journal. It's a revelation that I
am not sure how to deal with. On the one hand, it's my
interpretation of how someone else feels that drives how I
am in turn. It's in this way that I feel myself most empty
at times, and at other times... most alive. I am both
nothing and something.

But getting back to the issue at hand. The description of
people's interactions towards me reveals an aspect of
their personality that I am sure they had intended just
for me alone. So it is through this new found
understanding, that I must be careful of what I write
here. As although this is my personal entry, with a
faceless author... I still hold information that most
people would rather not have me reveal.

With that said. Mel was telling me something personal that
I wasn't quite sure how to take. It's these little
conversation tidbits that sort of make me wonder at times,
if she is really trying to tell me she's still in love
with me or that her flirting is just a guise or bait to
try to make me feel better. In which case, I need no such
sympathies from someone far away. Although.. it could be a
variety of other reasons to be honest. Maybe she's just
trying to keep me close by. In which case, she has nothing
to worry about. I'm bound by obligation to stay till it's
time to leave.

Now I always say that... obligation. But I never quite
describe it. I suppose I should. Obligation I suppose can
be thought of as an action that is required to be
undertaken by an individual to another person, the
receiver. Such as, obligating to repay a loan. Or say,
obligated to reveal information.

But these are all somewhat on the level of contractual
agreements, made either through the bond of conduct both
legal and personal. Legal is easy to explain, it's
basically anything mandated by law. If you sign a contract
to pay back a loan, you will pay back that loan. Personal
is not as stringent as say... well legal ones.

Plus.. personal obligations that I determine are not
usually on par with the template I laid out in the above
paragraph. They're more personal. I feel not only socially
obligated but morally and... individually motivated. I'm
not complete till I can fulfill it. Which.. is kind of the
irony ever presently plaguing me in my life.

It's not that I don't enjoy helping. I do. It feeds my ego
afterall. It feeds my ego to know all the right things to
do, to know everything about someone, while they know
nothing about me. It's also very lonely. So incredibly
lonely at times. But it's not even really the loneliness
that bothers me. Well in a way it is.

I'll finish this later. Talking with a friend of mine.




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