Ali Davis

One Day At a Time
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Ezoic
2004-03-10 15:36:59 (UTC)

Well...

It definitely has been a while since I wrote. And now I
have so much to say that i'm not sure if i can fit it all
in. Here goes...

I hate living at home!!! Everytime I look at my mother
all I see is resentment and bitterness and debt. I dread
my mother coming home at night. While I may be lonely
here by myself all day, atleast I don't have to walk on
eggshells not to piss anyone off. She's so angry with
me. actually its not just me, its her whole life. I grew
up thinking that I needed to get out of the house and make
something of myself so i could relief the burden on my
mother. what kind of fucked up way is that for a child to
think? And sometimes she's so puzzled as to how I became
who I am. Coupled with rape and incest, I'm amazed that I
came out this well. This was the reason that I left in the
first place. I tried to do everything I could to get away
from my mother. She doesn't understand that she takes out
everything that's gone wrong with her life on me. ITS NOT
MY FAULT. I didn't ask to be born and if I knew that I
would have to live like this- i'd like to think that i
would have died in the womb. Its not like she didn't try
to kill me anyway. I know why I was so premature.. I was
running for my life! And now we've enbarked on trying to
build a real mother daughter relationship... I'm sure you
can all guess how well that's going. Shitty. She wants
me to talk to her. When I get the balls to do it... I'm
wrong and we end up drudging up every wrong thing I've
ever done that she will never forgive me for. Heaven
forbid that I be human and make a mistake. The same
process is happening here- only on a way bigger scale. i
went out on my own- I fucked my life up (wait here's the
part that she's forgetting.. I WAS FREAKING RAPED! TWICE!
I didn't heal from that- it just tore me down) When I
confessed everything to her... she uses it against me at
every turn. I can't go 2 days without hearing about how I
broke her trust or how she's hurting b/c of me. If I had
a daughter and she was raped and when she finally came to
me about it, I'd try to focus on helping her not tearing
her down whenever she doesn't please me. I am my own
person, in my heart. But in order to live here and for my
mother to love me and not hate the very ground i walk on,
i have to be someone else.... I hate that she does that
to me... I hate her... Why can't she love me? What's
wrong with me? I know that I'm dirty and corrupted and
stupid and naive but i'm trying SO HARD to make things
right. Its just not getting anywhere- it never does. She
talks to me about the Devil hitting me with the same
trials and traps over and over again. Well.. i guess in a
way he's got me. I can't get away from my mother.
Sometimes I feel like if i stay one more day- I'll die.
There is this wonderful person inside me, growing. But
how can I really be that wonderful person if its trampled
down everytime it takes a few steps ahead? If I'm here
with her.. i don't think i will. Maybe I should just give
in and be whatever it is that she wants b/c that's the
only way that she'll let me be. It seems easier. She
even suggested that I become a nurse (her dream) I've
never ever even entertained the idea. Its not me. I'm not
her. Mabye I am her and that's why I hated myself for so
long. I can honestly say that since she holds everything
over my head- i don't have anything to love about myself.
That's logical right? And if I never love myself i'm
doomed to repeat the same horrible mistakes... Well, if
that's the case what's the point in trying anything? And
if you never get anywhere what's the point in living?
I HATE BEING HERE. I HATE MY MOTHER. wE WOULD BE SO MUCH
BETTER IF SHE WOULD JUS LISTEN ANS REALLY LISTEN. NOT SIT
AND THINK OVER ME SPEAKING... BUT SHE'LL NEVER DO THAT.
SO WE'LL NEVER BE CLOSE. I'LL NEVER HAVE A REAL MOTHER
WHO LOVES ME FOR ME... that's just something i'll have to
live with, i guess. If you have a good mom, tell her that
he's wonderful and that you love her and thank her for
loving you. Just realize what you have out there! There
are people who would love to have what you have but they
never will.


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