all_that_i_have

heartsong
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2004-03-10 07:30:46 (UTC)

a new start

she's been silent for almost a year but the need for
anonymity has returned. she has things to say and feelings
to vent that others would be hurt to read. it seems like so
much has happened even though some would say much is the
same. she doesn't know what to think. during the week she
looks around and sees the ppl she has come to love over the
past 4 yrs and those she is just beginning to know. she
knows that on some level she still cherishes their
existence in her life, but all she can see are ppl who
don't understand. she feels like no one is on the same page
as she is. few seem to even be on the same chapter and some
aren't even in the same book. physically she's still a
student but emotionally and mentally she has been gone for
a long time. her only respite comes on the weekends when
she is able to spend time out in the real world. she leaves
her roommates and their melodramas to stay with her cousin
and help with her 3 kids. she rarely thinks about her
classes, her friends, or her boyfriend except to vent her
frustrations. she knows this probably isn't a healthy way
to be, but she doesn't know what else to do. over the
summer she bonded with the cousin she has for so long
idolized from a distance. though not much older than she,
her cousin has always seemed so grown up. they have bonded
now though and for the first time since leaving home, she
feels like she can be herself. she feels whole and content
again. the weekends end much too soon however and she is
quickly thrown back into college life where everyone is
concerned only with classes, grades, partying, and the
drama that seems to accompany these things. she only has 3
months left, but she has doubts about her sanity holding up
that long.
she looks over what she has written...at her title. a new
start. that's what she needs. she won't get one though. she
has already committed to moving across the country to be
with her boyfriend. she knows she owes it to him, to
herself, to give their relationship a chance but all she
wants is to start new somewhere. she wants a chance to be
out in the world making new friends, meeting ppl who
understand her and who are on the same page as she. she
wants the chance to be herself. she wants to be away from
all the pettiness and silly worries about things that won't
matter in 5 or 10 yrs. a friend jokingly planned their
disappearance...how they would just drive off without
telling anyone. how they'd drive across america, seeing the
sights until they ran out of money. then they'd work for a
while and continue where they left off. they'd talk. they'd
laugh...she wishes this was a possibility.


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