Tiurf

Diary
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2004-03-09 22:51:37 (UTC)

leaving...

Today has been a day...
And I mean a freakin day. I think I have had a total of 1
1/2 hours of sleep (which I only got because I fell asleep
in some abandoned waiting room). One of my patients became
critical last night. It was like a nightmare that wouldnt
end.
As soon as I came home and shut the door I felt this
increadible pain.. like there was a hole in my heart. Why
do some people have to die? I know all the physical
aspects of it, but I don't think its fair. I loved this
patient.. I spent 2-3 months with her while she was in the
hospital. Now shes nothing. I dont think I can do this
anymore. I've lost patients in the past but nothing ever
like this. And I've never felt so much pain in my life.. I
just hurt all over.. im so sad.
I should be mad at myself. I shouldnt let myself get so
close and attached. Whats wrong with me? Whats worse is
that I couldnt tell anyone about how I felt.. if it got
around to the instructor that I became emotionally attached
to a patient my grade would reflect it.
I know I need sleep because im starting to feel a bit
drunk.. at this point the last thing on my mind is sleep.
I just want to leave..
leave this town
this life...
Im not tough enough for this profession.
I just want someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me
everything is going to be alright. Where is that someone?
I need to find him soon because I dont think I can hold up
much longer.


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