2004-03-08 03:39:27 (UTC)

back together.

Me and Ian are back together now. i missed him so much, but
he still drives me crazy. He does the stupidist things
sometimes. Like just a little while ago he went to marrion
gram and got his ass kicked. i told him not to go and that
was going to happen, but he didnt even give it a second
thought he just went. whatever it was none of my buisness
we werent even dating at the time, well i guess we kinda
were i dont know we were on a break.i did it again
today. i cant believe i was so stupid every time i think i
dont need it anymore every time i think i can stop and the
choice is up to me, i fall back on it again, i cant do
anything i cant even stop the one thing i know i should be
doing. Its not like it is the easiest thing in the world.
S.I is an addiction and like any other addiction it is not
an easy thing to give up. Burning has also become a thing
again, along with some other things. My arms hurt now and
so do my legs, i have moved on to them now, not that that
is the best way to word it but thats okay. two things are
written or engraved there what ever word you want to use
for it, they are: FADE AWAY, and IM SORRIE. only IM SORRIE
is engraved on my hip. you cant reallie see it now though
becuase i didnt do it dark, i did it very lightly on my
hip. I cried again last night. it was so stupid, i dont
even know why i was. but i did. so of course the first
thing i reached for was my container that i keep under my
bed which has all my S.I stuff in it. i read this thing at
this website that a friend, or a person i know anyways, im
not sure if she is really i friend, i would like her to be,
but im not sure if she wants to be. anyways, she gave me
this great website that is anctually really helpful. it has
alot of things in it that are really helpful. they are
really good tips to stopping in there. like this thing
called a 'happy box' you put things in it to make yourself
happy, or to get your mind off S.Iing, i have a 'hurt box',
so i was thinking that if i just put ticket stubs of movies
and plays and old pictures of me and my friends that kind
of thing, over the 'hurt' stuff and that way since thats
always the first thing i reach for when im upset, i will
have to go through and look at all the 'happy things' first
then maybe it will give me a reason not to S.I. Also
thinking of putting phone numbers in there, that way if i
need to talk to someone, the numbers are there and i can
easily phone them. that way maybe they can help me distact
myself from S.Iing or doing anything else that is stupid,
like going to far and pressing down. anyways thanx so much
to the chick that gave me the website i think you know who
you are. anyways if anyone out there needs or wants the
website it is www.ruinyourlife.com also check out
www.recoveryoulife.com it is like the same thing, same
people, same website only www.recoveryourlife.com is newer,
and most of the stuff from www.ruinyourlife.com has already
been transferred over to www.recoveryoulife.com.
Anyways thats all for now, i will write back later.
As always, later:
Meagan. R

P.S: there is a really great picture at
www.recoveryourlife.com it is called Courage. i love the
picture, and it has a saying on it to that i really like
too, it is : 'tell me you dont take that blade and drag it
across your skin and prey for the courage to press down.'
the picture is under dark/graphics.
As always, later:
Meagan. R