The Darkness Within

Dancing Nude
2004-03-08 02:27:26 (UTC)

strong

okay so here it is. I have to be strong. It's a
requirement that I have had for myself for quite some time
now...the problem being, that by doing so I tend to push my
feelings aside until they build up to the point where I
come close to exploding. It all started as a kid with my
step father. No, this is not going to be a sad [email protected]# sob
story about how rough I had it, because I think thta
everyone thinks that they have...but long story short, he
didn't adopt me because I was not worthy of his name..he
was an alcholholic, who thought that he had a right to tell
me what to do b/c he was fu#$ing my mom, and I disagreed.
As we got older, things got easier, but when he first came
into my life I spent a great deal of time crying. Then one
night I realized that by crying he had won, and I was going
to be dam#ed if he was sitting out in that living room
smiling while I lay in bed in tears. So then i began to
shut out my feelings. If you don't show weakness you win,
right? I know that this is a stupid way to go through your
life, but it is the way that I have conditioned myself.
Consequently, instead of saying " I am hurt" or " What you
did really hurt me" I just show no pain and lash out with
some vengful plan or word. A bit like an animal that is
being shoved into a corner I suppose. Primitive, but it is
my survival technique. In years since, there have been
many events in which I acted in this way...and moved on by
just not dealing with things. Now, all of those things
seem to be building up, and I am one emotional basket
case. I have no self esteem or self love...the only thing
that i do have is my son. My son and a few good
friends....but none the less, if you aren't whole and happy
on your own, then none of that matters. So, here I am
attempting to piece myself back together in my spare
time...an hour a day. Pointless? I think that I am getting
a bit better, but in the situation that I am in it is
difficult to try to make better. When to be quite frank I
have little to see as a reward for any of this. I mean so
what? I will be a slightly happier peson when standing in
front of the mirror in the bathroom of my luxurious home
that seems to be falling apart around me no matter how much
I try to hold it together...odd, my home is a bit like my
life. At any rate, I am tired of trying to make the best
out of things..I just want [email protected] to get better. Is that
asking all that much? I am putting forth the effort so
when are the gods going to shine down on my little corner
of the universe? He$#, I am even trying to be a "good"
person! As if I have any fuck^%$ clue what that even
means! I have swallowed my pride, and played the role
given, and smiled all along. When do I get my rewards? Or
is it somehow a guilty sin to want? ok, so condemn me! I
am guilty. Yes I want. I want a lot of things...but
believe it or not, hardly any of these things are even for
me. Why? Because I can deal. I always have. Sure that
has led me to the point that I am at now, but it's nothing
that I can't deal with. I mean, I can't really bit#$ all
that much, things could be worse, but it is simply human
nature to focus of what we want and not be grateful for
what we have never mind how small that may be. I need to
take a walk. Later


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