emieloo

I'm Doing it For Me...
2004-03-06 21:57:12 (UTC)

This Won't Interest You

I'm telling you right now, this probably won't interest
you. It's really long and full of things that most people
won't understand. If you wanna read it, it's up to you.
I told you I was doing this diary thing just for me...


I was just wondering what I did that made you want to hurt
me so bad.

Rather than keep the door open through friendship, or
through promising to always be there for each other, you
have chosen to slam the door in my face, cutting off all
contact completely. I think that it would’ve been nice
for us to end things on a friendly note. However it was
your choice to end things this way instead, and I have
finally realized and accepted that there isn’t anything I
can do about that. I would’ve liked not to have a bitter
taste in my mouth when I think about you, but regardless
of how much I love you, and how much I will always love
you, the one thing I will never forget, and the thing that
will stand out the most whenever I think about you, is the
way in which you chose to end things with us. You chose
to run away, saying that you thought it was the right
thing to do because it would be "easier". Of course,
you’re right. It is easier for you not to have to talk to
me, or to see me face to face and watch me cry. It is
easier for you to not have to see the pain that you have
caused me, and by ignoring me, you don’t have to deal with
it right now.

However, I know, and I know that you know, this is not the
right thing to do in the long run. At least I can look
back on this and know that I tried. I did everything I
could possibly do. I called you, left messages, and came
to your house on more than one occasion to get my stuff
back, but all my attempts were rejected. I tried to work
things out with you, but I’m tired of trying. I’m tired
of sitting here and worrying about how hard this whole
thing is for you. Worrying about how you’re handling
things. Worrying if you’re ok, if you’re sad, if you’re
lonely, if you’re happy. I’m tired of praying for you to
find your way, praying for all the burdens to be lifted
off your shoulders so that you can have peace. What about
me? I need to focus on my feelings, my burdens, and my
peace. It’s exhausting caring more about another person
than I care about myself. But I know that I can never be
truly happy with other people until I am truly happy with
myself. And I need to work on that. I need to focus on
putting an end to the dangerous and destructive behaviors
that I have fallen back into, and realize that I need to
stop hurting myself because this is not my fault. I did
what I could do, and there isn’t anything I could’ve done
to change anything. Even though the last thing you said
to me was "I want to try and make this work and see what
happens," I finally accepted that things between us were
over when I stopped hearing from you.

Part of the reason you gave for not wanting to be with me
is that you wanted to make sure you would be able to spend
as much time with your friends and family as you possibly
could before you leave. What really hurts is that you
feel that, in order to do this, you needed to cut me out
of your life completely. I can’t believe that you
wouldn’t want to spend as much time as possible with me
too, but the feeling that I’m starting to get from you is
that maybe I never meant as much to you as the other
people in your life do. After all, to use your
words, "Family and friends come first". I still don’t
understand just how it was that you never considered me to
be a friend, too, but I guess you didn’t.

The only thing I wanted from you and the reason I kept
calling you was because I was looking for some kind of
closure, but after thinking about the situation more,
there really isn’t any closure that I can get other than
the peace that I can make within myself. There is nothing
you could possibly say to me at this point explaining your
actions that will make me say, "Oh ok, NOW I get it!" and
be totally fine with everything. I feel that what you
have done couldn’t possibly have any explanation or excuse
that will make sense to me. I don't want to torture
myself anymore trying to understand why, because I don’t
think I ever will. I will never understand why two people
who love each other can’t be together, regardless of the
circumstances that might stand in their way, and
regardless of what may or may not happen to them in the
future. Relationships aren’t easy, and no one should
expect them to be. Have you ever heard of being able to
love against all odds? I guess I, as well as many other
people, mistakenly thought that you and I were too good
together to only last three months, and that no matter
what, the feelings we had for each other were strong
enough to pull us through anything. But I guess it was
just my feelings that were strong enough. I was the only
one who cared enough to try and make this relationship
work, and in the end, I have accepted that my feelings
alone just aren’t enough.

It’s frustrating because I believe that, deep down, what
you and I feel for each other is the same. Speculation as
to what could have been between us if you would have only
been able to get past your doubts about the future and
start living your life in the present enters my mind
almost every minute of every day.

I guess when it all comes down to it, the only thing I
hoped for in terms of closure from you was this: ideally,
I wanted to be able to come over to your house, get my
stuff, give you a hug, say goodbye, and walk away. But
apparently, since you aren’t even strong enough to pick up
the phone and talk to me, I know that you also will not be
strong enough to do this for me. Just a word of advice –
in the future when you want to break things off with a
girl, especially one who you love and care about, don’t do
it by ignoring her. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have
to feel so discarded, overlooked, snubbed, and utterly
dispensable. I know you said you haven’t broken up with a
lot of people so you aren’t exactly an expert, but I know
that you aren’t stupid and I know that you know this was
the wrong way to handle the situation.

A couple nights ago, Carli and I drove down to your house
yet again in an attempt to get my stuff back. We sat in
my car and waited for you to come home for over an hour,
but you never came. We left because it was getting really
late, and Carli had to work early the next day. While we
were sitting and waiting, the dirty little white cat that
hangs out around your truck walked by. I told Carli the
story about how you and Josh were hanging out and some
diseased-looking lady picked up the cat and kissed it or
something, and that got me started talking and reminiscing
about you...


How I was in Outdoor Garden and I called 806 for an
override. You answered the phone, "Robbie", and I
said "Who???" I had no idea who you were.


How we skipped together down to Lumber to close registers
one night when we closed together.


How you fixed my scan gun for me, and when you forgot to
put one of the screws back in, I handed it to you and
said, "Wanna screw?"


How when you came in to work with your head shaved,
everyone on the front end turned and looked at me because
they all knew that I liked you and they wanted to see my
reaction to your new look.


How I stayed and hung out with you and Jody while you
closed because I just wanted to be with you. How I was
playing with one of the facemasks that we wore during the
fires, and when I dropped it, you came over and picked it
up for me. How you and Jody were sitting and looking for
apartments behind the Customer Service desk, and you
offered me half your chair so I could sit down. How you
and I stood out in the parking lot for over an hour during
the fires talking about what we wanted to do because
neither one of us wanted to go home, and how you gave me
your jacket because I was cold. I still remember the way
you wore your facemask on your head so that it looked like
a little hat.


How you came in to Lowe’s on your birthday, and awkwardly
invited me to come to Incahoots to celebrate. How Josh
constantly asked me if I was going to your party, and how
I couldn’t figure out why he was in such a rush to call
you to tell you I was coming. How I sat out in my car for
over an hour trying to psych myself up enough to go into
Incahoots because I was so nervous. How you and I high-
fived when we found out that we were both Kings fans. How
you kept putting your arm around me, and I kept looking
over at Arthi to see if she was noticing. How you leaned
in and kissed me and took me completely off guard. How I
tried to drive you home and you gave me the wrong
directions. How you told me that you were upset that I
didn’t even wait to see if you got in ok (I still feel bad
about that).


How you said you wanted to come pick up Lisa and me when
we were walking home late one night after we went to
Margarita Rocks because I told you that I was cold and you
said it was "so not ok". How you met up with us at
Cotixan’s and we all compared the pictures on our driver’s
licenses.


How you came and picked me up and we went to play pool,
and how I kept wondering if you were going to kiss me or
not. I still remember how awkward it all felt, but how
nice it was at the same time.


How the first time you and my mom met each other, you were
both drunk.


How we went to TJ together, and I sat there and watched as
you got your first misdemeanor. How when we were in the
club, some guy was hitting on me, but then noticed you
standing there. He asked if I was your girlfriend and you
nodded, then turned around to me, shrugged, and said, "I
guess I just lied... oh well."


How you used to wait outside of Lowe’s until I got off
work.


How you called me at work to tell me about your
telemarketing job, and I talked to you anyway even though
Kathy and Tina were standing right there watching me, but
they were both ok with it because they knew how much I
liked you.


How we drove to downtown La Jolla, and laughed at the
seals flopping around on the beach and at everyone who
walked by and twisted their ankles on the little ledge
next to where we were standing.


How you took me to my very first drive-in, but you fell
asleep and I looked around at all the scenery because the
movies were boring.


How you came to visit me at Arthi’s, but you were so drunk
that you started arguing with us about how to get there,
even though you had never been there. How when you
eventually got there (about an hour later) you fell off
the curb and into a mud puddle.


How you listened to me without me knowing when I was
talking to Rhianna at Jarred and Jody’s about how
important I thought it was to wait at least a month to
sleep with someone that you really care about, and how you
respected my feelings. How you took me back to your house
after I got really drunk and passed out and you took my
shoes off and tucked me into bed.


How you were there for me and you understood how I felt
when I had to put my dog to sleep.


How I stood and talked to Peter on your cell phone in the
middle of the frozen foods section at the grocery store,
and George in the middle of Panda Express.

How you took me to places such as Carl’s Jr. and
Bennigan’s for the very first time.


How I used to sit on your bed and watch you and Josh play
video games and eat pork rinds.


How you got me to start listening to country music, and
even start singing along to some of the songs.


How I wore your green comfy pants almost every single day.


How you drove to see me in Arizona. How you met my entire
family at once. How we rode on the train at the Ghost
Town. How we had that conversation with the lady at the
perfume counter in the mall about the status of our
relationship. How you asked me to officially be your
girlfriend right before we ordered our food at Carl’s Jr.


How you, Lisa, and I went to TGI Friday’s and when you got
up to use the restroom, Lisa leaned over and said, "Oh my
God, Emily – he’s like the male version of you!"


How you walked around with me at the mall to pick up and
fill out job applications.


How you came with me to see the Latin Dance show although
I know you really didn’t want to.


How you dropped me off at Best Buy for my interview, and
then were there to celebrate with me when I got the job.


How you told me you loved me for the first time on the
same night that you told me you were joining the Air
Force.


How I almost electrocuted you because I didn’t turn the
living room light off when you were trying to fix it for
my mom.


How we went and saw "Peter Pan" on Christmas Day.


How you came back early so that you could spend New Year’s
Eve with me. How right after you gave me the ring, the
wedding song started playing on my mom’s TV. How we sat
out in the car on New Year’s Eve while everyone else went
into Sav-On and you told me so many wonderful things. How
we kissed at the stroke of midnight and said that we loved
each other. How we slept all night cramped up on Arthi’s
couch.


How you drove me to Sweet Factory to get candy even though
you were sick and I was supposed to be taking care of
you.


How you took me to Mexico with you to meet your parents,
and how everyone down there kept calling
us "honeymooners". How I kept telling you that I thought
your glasses looked crooked, even though everyone else
thought they looked straight. How I wouldn’t kiss you for
at least an hour after you drank that Clamato. How we
wandered around Wal-Mart forever trying to find your
parents while you dragged a big green trash can around
behind you.


How you drove like a maniac to Panda Express because you
weren’t sure what time they closed and you knew I wanted
Chinese food.


How you called me to tell me that you hurt your finger,
and my stomach sank and I was filled with worry. How
Arthi and I brought you Quizno’s because you had wasted
your whole lunch break at the hospital and you were
starving.


How you took me to your parent’s house in Arizona, and how
I was the first girl that they ever let sleep with you in
your bed. How we stood and listened to that merchant talk
to your dad forever about medicine and health care while
we ate kettle corn.


How you got me a Diet Pepsi at the gas station even though
I didn’t say I wanted one, but you knew anyway.


How you got that nasty chocolate shake from Baskin
Robbins, and I threw it out the window for you.


How we sat at my computer together and looked for
apartments even though we both knew I couldn’t afford it.


How you took me with you to Santa Monica to hang out with
your friends, and how you held my hand almost the whole
day even though I was in a pissy mood.


How I was so excited to hear about how well you did on
your Air Force test.


How whenever I was in a bad mood, you were always able to
make me smile.


How when you held me, we just fit together.


How you would look into my eyes and tell me that you loved
me.


How you were the first guy that I ever loved.

I know that that’s a lot of memories... it’s three whole
months worth. I’ll be surprised if you even read all of
them. But those are the things I remember about you,
those are the reasons that I fell in love with you, and
those are the memories I will cherish for the rest of my
life.

I sincerely hope that when you think about me, you think
about those things. I hope that you won’t think about me
and remember me as the crazy ex-girlfriend who wouldn’t
leave you alone. Love makes people do crazy things, and I
did the things I did and said the things I said out of
pure desperation, frustration, confusion, and ultimately,
out of love. I don’t know if you even listened to my
messages, but I do regret some of the things I said to
you. A lot of them were said out of anger, and I truly am
sorry if I hurt you in any way. That’s why I’m choosing
for our final contact to be through a letter. I feel that
I express myself most efficiently and eloquently through
letters because they allow me to carefully choose my words
so that I will not say anything I regret.

The sick thing is, even after the completely heartless way
in which you’ve treated me, I still love you and I still
really want to be with you.

I hate telling you that because it allows me to remain
open and vulnerable to you, which in turn allows you to
continue to walk all over me because you know that I will
be forgiving and I will stay loyal.

But it’s true.

I do love you, and I do want to be with you...

Even though you chew tobacco and eat pork rinds.


Even though you have a lot of body hair, which I’m not
exactly a fan of.


Even though your house is a mess, and I can’t even
remember the last time you changed your sheets.


Even though you say "besides the point" when the phrase is
actually "beside the point".


Even though you wear tighty-whiteys, which I think are
some of the ugliest pieces of clothing ever.


Even though you always have dirt under your fingernails.


Even though you do this thing where you squeeze my nose,
or pinch my cheeks. I really hate that.


Even though you have little nose hairs that stick out that
you don’t trim.


Even though you love Scooby Doo, who I think is one of the
most obnoxious cartoon characters ever...


But I’ve found that I don’t love you in spite of those
things; I love you because of them. They are all a part
of what makes you who you are, and I love who you are. I
didn’t think it was possible for me to continue having
these feelings after being treated so horribly, but I
guess it is. And I guess it’s impossible for me to get
what I want because it’s really obviously not what you
want. I would’ve hoped that you could’ve told me this,
rather than ignore me, but I guess you can’t.

Just so you know, this might be the last time you ever
hear from me, but judging from your current actions, it’s
clear that that’s what you seem to want anyway. If you
want anything to do with me after this, it’s going to be
up to you.


Bye Robbie...




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