polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-03-06 21:39:38 (UTC)

screwed up

i need a second to rethink my life. what in it is worth
living for.

i'm sitting here, as tears dramatically roll down my
cheeks, and sobbing over nothing.

since wednesday, i've known i had to get to the soccer
office by today. wednesday i couldn't go, thursday i
couldn't go, and friday i didn't make it in time. my only
hope was to get there early this morning. i did, but they
were closed. so i couldn't play in the game today, but i
promised my friend i would watch her game. all day today my
dad has asked if i wanted to go, each time i told him yes.
then when the time came i told him it was time to go and he
said he didn't feel taking me. he knew he'd promised me he
would take me and he knew i'd promised megan i'd go so he
came into my room in a fit of rage and told me to get ready
because we were leaving. i knew he'd just be a little bitch
the whole way so i said forget it. he said good because he
just didn't want to go. so i sat there. then he came back
in and told me we were going because he'd promised. i told
him i could live with it if i didn't go and i wasn't about
to put up with his bitchiness for 20 minutes in the car. he
said that was fine because he didn't want to go watch
someone else play especially where he didn't know anyone
that was going to be there.

so EVEN THOUGH he PROMISED me and i PROMISED my friend who
even called to make sure i was coming, i have to break my
promise because he didn't feel like it. i went with him on
all his goddamn errands this morning, and i didn't feel
like going. he took me to my boyfriend's game last week,
and now i see why. because he could tell jokes and laugh
and get all the attention and show off in front of the
other parents that he knew. my dad is such a jerk.

so i guess i'm not crying over nothing. he always does
this. and i'm sick of it.

but now i'm stuck here alone crying to myself because my
dad's a total asshole and i detest him, my best friend is
angrily playing soccer without me, and my boyfriend is on
his way to new orleans for his soccer game.

i'm just so pissed off. i am really really mad. i'm afraid
i'm going to start screaming and pulling my hair out. i'm
going to start cutting again, and it's going to be his
fault. he drove me to do it. he always has. it's always
been his fault. but my fault too because i can't deal with
it in any other way than this. it's tearing me to pieces. i
hate how everything gets so screwed up ALL THE TIME.

i can't just type my heart out and that's the end. i have
to tell someone, frantically scream my brains out because i
am so pissed off. this one thing has triggered all of my
emotions that i've tried to bottle up for days. i guess
when you try to keep it inside you, there's one self
distruct button that could end it all. dad has pressed that
button on me.

i don't know who i'd talk to though. it has to be now. i
can't wait. who would i call? who COULD i call that would
listen to me and whipe the tears from my eyes? who would
tell me it's all going to be okay? who WOULDN'T call me a
loser or say i'm complaining too much?

no one.

i am completely alone. god i am such a bitch. i'm
completely alone? wtf is that? i'm trying to sound like
this beaten, traumatized kid because i didn't get to go to
a soccer game. i don't even care. i don't care how
completely stupid i'm being. i'm pissed. i don't know what
i can do with myself.

i shouldn't do this. i really really cannot do what i
really really WANT to do right now. what i'm probably about
to go do. but i just cannot deal with it in any other way.
i just don't know how.




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