purple star

Never once spoken
2004-03-06 08:10:20 (UTC)

please no

so i had contact with chris. he called me because he was
stuck in baltimore. i didnt go get him like he wanted me
to. if i didnt have to get up and go to fucking nowhere PA
tomorrow.... i probably would have. but i didnt. i did
call back tho to make sure he was ok. (yup.... i still
love him). and we were talking. and i had been walking
around by myself for about half an hour by then. because i
wanted to kill myself. by walking into the bay and going
to my watery grave. i tried. i really tried. but i could
not walk into the water. i guess i really dont want to end
it all. clearly: if i wouldnt let myself. unfortunately
for my mental state right now.

but we were talking. and he told me before i even said
anything to him about all this.... "i want to talk to you
about something that i cant talk about right now." and i
agreed that i want to talk to him about something i cant
talk about right now. and who knows if its the same
thing... but i dont care. i want to talk to him about it.
cuz obviously i cant seem to let go. even after this
long. i thought i made a step... but then i just wanted to
kill myself. not necessarily because of just that... but
because of that and other things that happened tonight and
over the past week. so we are supposed to talk tomorrow
night. his phone went dead while we were talking. that
will be good to talk to him tomorrow night. anyway. im
going to smoke a cigarette and go to sleep for 2 hours.
woo hoo. :( goodnight. evil.


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