Rico

My Gay Misadventures
2004-03-04 20:05:02 (UTC)

Sleeping with ghosts

(Another Transfer) (poem inspired by guess who?)

The Sleeper and the Ghost.

You and I. I and you. I do enjoy playing this fantasy. Our
past has dubbed us. You, the One who Sleeps. I, the Ghost.
At times you found yourself lonely. and cold. your human
nature sparking the instinct to mate. You'd find others who
were Lonely, and for that moment, when you found them, you
wernt lonely anymore. Wash, rinse, repeat. -- I'v chose to
be alone. When the rain fell, I wished it poured. I held it
all in, and forgot it. I have that face, ya know, the
familer kind. People tell me their darksides, and forget me
moons later. For years Im forgotten, for years, I forget.
Everyone knows of me. But no one knows me. --

When you Sleep with Ghosts, Its only bound to make you
shiver.
And when A Ghost Sleeps, it only makes him remember.


3-2-04

Dear Diary,
So much has transpired. Im all grown up. Im growing old.
The Apt, The Job, The Phone, The Mate, The "To-Do"s... All
day, everyday. Same routine. Wake up. Go to Work. Come
home. Eat. Clean. Study. Sleep. Wonder. -- Repeat. Its
almost been 3 weeks. And it only seems like 3 hours. Is
this what life is? This bites. Goddamn movies make it over-
rated. I do enjoy partaking in the nothing, but Maybe its
time to be Active. Do, and change something. Touch
something even. --- Matt stopped likeing me. Not literaly,
but in the sence of increaseing the like factor, yes. Ever
since we moved in, he's been hostile. In the beggining
anyway. He also didnt let me touch him. 3 weeks so far
without human contact. it makes me bitter. Recently he's
talked to me more. not so harsh with his tones. At one
point he even got close to me, i could feel his breath, he
was holding his phone to my ear. I couldnt hear a thing,
but his aura made me melt. I didnt show it of course. He
doesnt like that...Im left to assume my own thoughts...I
found this letter, by accident, while doing laundry. A
paper, folded in a pocket of pants i wear often when i go
to work, I thought it was mine. I opened it, and skimmed.
It was a letter to his Ex. I skimmed the body of the
letter, but its the last line that stuck with me, "My sweet
prince, I miss you, and I love you..." That was a lil much
for me. Even though i already knew it from the way Matt
still talks about him. I pretended i never saw it. I forgot
it. arnt flashbacks a bitch? The body, from what i
remember, was Matt telling his ex about how he has 2 jobs,
and lives in his own apt...didnt even mention me. I wouldnt
mention me either i guess. Not much to brag about. Just a
lil boy with one too many voices. I figured thats why he
was so hostile. because he was remembering how much he
loved another man. The other night, he started talking. I
was half asleep, trying not to listen. I was just ganna
make myself forget later anyway. He said he doesnt want to
date me anymore. Says because of a party a few weeks ago,
that he cant go on looking at me the same anymore. Some
half ass excuse. But if it made him have peace with his
troubled mind, then let him belive whatever excuses make
him feel hes making the right choice. Its prolly best he
did find someone else. Someone he finds beautifaul. Not
Thorny, like me. Im like a Rose, You may think you want me,
and smile at how i glow sometimes, but once you grab me,
you cant let go without drawing blood. I dont mean to hurt
people. People hurt themsleves, and even though I give good
councel, I cant protect people from how they see me in the
aftermath of letting go to heal. Im not a bad guy. In fact,
I think im a very good guy. Im humble. Im patient. I dont
jump to conclusions. Im calm. Im Grey....Im a skitso.------
Heh. Ok, since im on a roll of giveing personal insite of
myself. (this happens once in a blue moon) I'll mention my
mental state. I'v only actually told 3 people about this;
Megan, a former best friend...my first friend. Mike, A guy
i dated, who was a 20yo preist. and Matt, my former date,
current roomate. None really took me seriously, but here
goes. For the past few years, I'v developed 3 distinctive
personalities. I dont know why, prolly due to years of
shelter and solitude. There is Ryki. The one I see myself
really. Normal, Corky, Funny, Councler. This is the face
everyone sees. Its the only one who has developed over the
years with experiance. Then the other 2. The ones who have
remained the same. The ones I know that will be the death
of me someday. The last one to surfface, Ariel...Slut.
Temptress. Theif. Con. She steals for no reason. She
cheats. She makes choices that put me in danger. Im not a
slut. I never was. Dont plan to be either. But i went from
1 to over 34 guys in a year thanks to her. But lately she's
been easy to control. I figured out how to temporaly erase
it. Simply masterbate. (i have to do it like 4 times a day
now, but whatever works, right?) Lastly, but by far the
most annoying. Is Lie (pronounced 'Lee') I hate Lie. People
have seen Ryki, People have seen Ariel. But no one has seen
Lie. Lie only comes out when im alone. he's been with me
the longest. Since i was a child. Always the same, Always
in Pain. Its hard to describe Lie. He's...Fear, and Hate,
and Pain at their most Primal. Its...hard to talk about.
Whenever he awakes, he takes TOTAL control over me, Im only
left to spectate. He only stays for seconds at a time
(maybe 15seconds at the most) but he's been comeing more
freqent lately. (well, he has yet to arise since the
move...) I dont understand myself. But when he takes over,
All i feel is pure, unadultrated fear. My heart beats twice
as fast. He goes primal, thrashing about, not really
breaking anything, but more trying to escape. Escape from
himself. Like i said, its hard to explain. In the end, im
left to deal with the pain. You see, dureing these panic
times of self flee, He inflicts massive damage to my body.
He loses the ability to feel any pain, only consumed by
fear and hate. So he treats my body as if it were
invincable. and im starting to belive it just might be
dureing these outburts. he's crawled along the floor, maybe
10 feet useing only my elbows. not my legs, or my body,
just the elbows, in like 3 seconds. I had to deal with the
beaten joints afterwards. My hands have sored due to many
blows to the wall. Hair has been pulled out. And the last
attack. could have broke me. At my moms apts, It happened
while i was watching Tv. Just Bam. He came out. he flug
open the door. Ran to the stairs, and leaped. the jump was
strong. too strong. My body lunged high and forward down
the stairs...My head smashing againsts the balcony. I
landed on my feet. (well foot really) barefoot too. But
that didnt even cause a flinch to Lie. He kept running.
Tripped. Got back up. and kept running. into nowhere. Then
he left. Seconds later, My heart slowed down, and the
adrinaline faded. and The Pain of my head and legs kicked
in. I walked back limping. with a headach. but i didnt
really take any real damage. Not even a twisted ankel or a
bruise. Topics such as Heaven and Hell usualy spark Lie to
awake. But he's been dormant for awile. I hope it stays
that way. With Ariel and Lie Down, I, Ryki have been able
to peice my life back together. Sure, My life sucks now.
But im not very pestimistic. Things will get better. They
always do. These hard times are just a memory. a memory i
can forget. and that helps me keep moveing. ----
Im tired of being alone. Im so cold. Im so Tired. I just
want someone to watch me as I rest for a bit. I want to be
protected. Just for a lil bit. I want my hand held for no
reason. I want to kiss 'just because'. But mostly, I want a
Hug, without there haveing to be sex involved. Just
holding.Stop dreaming. Get back to work Ryki.




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