NeVaLoOkBaQ

aNd sO i WrItE
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2004-03-04 16:58:26 (UTC)

Run......

Dear Journal....Hey ... Whas good mah nigga? Nothing over
here...chillin I guess or trying to?... man.. I dont know
alot has been going on... school my bf and me...life..
just everything life all around...and I always seem to
want to run... run from everything...and They wonder why I
run...but ...its because.... I can't deal with anymore
heartache or pain... I cant handle life anymore..I been
crying all night I cried my
self to sleep and woke up an hour later... So yeah no
sleep at all... I didnt go to school..Well I did but I got
checked out early and I my ride didn't come so I
walked...N my knees are killing me...My grades arent
that good... I dont get it tho... they want me to pass so
they say but they dont teach they dont help they dont even
tell me what i need to catch up if when i've fallen
behind... mann I don tknow... Days... Days have been
fucked up.. yesterday was good.. it was str8... chillin no
drama....Until... Until night came... I fucked everything
up ... for me anyway... You ever wish you hadnt said
something but it was good to talk about it but it fucked
everythign up?... Yeah! I do it all the time... Sometimes
I wish I wasnt me I wish I was some rich white person who
lived in a biiggg house with 7 cars and brothers and
sisters that were close with me and I had perfect grades
in school and friends.... I have none of that... I dont
even have a family but then again Im kinda glad about the
life I've lived bc of all my street smarts and exsperiance
A white person couldnt surrvive in what I've been thru nah
mean I dont mean to sound mean or racist but it is kinda
true.... man.. its crazy... I dont know...Did
I ever tell you i had no friends?... Ppl swear I do..but I
dont... I cant have friends... Im not a friend to my
self... I dont trust anyone... Yeah I know alot of ppl and
alot of ppl know me...But they arent my friends...If I
needed them they wouldnt be there for me to talk to or
even console nah mean?... I dont know... But Im ready to
just run... I want to run away... Just to a place where I
can breathe instead of holdin my breath hopin the next
moment wont fuck up... Tears seep thru my eyes every night
and even right now... and I grow weak and tired and I can
barely do anything...
Im sick of puttin on fronts.. ~N~ my boy friend and me...
WOW... What a story .. I think one day if I live to tell
it or even remember what we have or had...Ill write a
book... ~N~ Ill deticate it to him...Or even mybest
friend... I dont know.. man as I write this I know what
going to happen for once...Tyrone and Kathleen will soon
be no longer... and then what will i have to live for?...
Mannn every1 N thing hates me... I wish Jerell was around
I need to
talk to him...I need him.... I want him to make me laugh..
He was such a
fool... Yall would like him.. That was my best friend..
and now Im left with nothing...Well Tyrone... Yeah but
soon nothing.... I wish I could change everything
around... kinda like that movie....Butterfly Affect...
Have
you ever seen it?... Mann that was a good movie...or I
wish
I would just die... You know... Some one told me at the
age
of 17 something was going to happen to me... I think im
going to die..but I dont know... I dont care...I wish
Tyrone and me could stay together forever...He is my
air and soon when he's gone Ill stop breathing....Oh man
What am I going to do?.... I dont know ... Im tryin to
stay calm and breathe but its.. Its not working.. Mentally
or physically...I dont know man...Im ready to run... I
think iLl write about it... I need to write or sing or rap
or fuck some one up... Mmann nah its not worth it... I
dont know... maybe.. Ill just.....run..............

God Bless
Take Care
0n3 1uv


Me*


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