confessions of a never ceasing mind
2004-03-03 19:40:08 (UTC)

worries and fears.....

a girl can only think about something too long before her
brain reaches a compromise.....which it has done thank

I have decided to go with the flow as it were...calm down
and see what happens...

Now comes the time of month that I have to turn to more
serious matters....I got laid off of the job a week and a
half downsizing...lovely word, and have to
try and find a damned way to pay rent.... I could ask my
father...but am loathe to do that....I hate it in fact. If
I were to get a job...well that does not pay here for two that is no help, although I am going to find
one. I hate to sit idle...drives me crazy. since rent is
due soon...I have to do something...maybe I will ask him to
help out..give me aloan that I will pay back. I have too
much pride (stubborn pride too) to accept gifts.. so it
will be a loan

that is the only thing on my worry list for today...kind of
the most prevalent thing as it were. The bills have been
paid with that exception, and classes are going
nicely..although kind of dull I must will be
much more interesting in the final two semesters I have
left, and then I have my degree.

my main fear is I suppose fear itself...I have been having
dreams of memories that I have that I have tried to bury in
the dark of my head. and then I dream that those that I
care for are going to hurt me in the same or different
ways......according to my friend, I toss and
turn...whimpering and making tiny mewling noises in my
throat when the worst of the dreams occur. The friend
tried to touch my arm and shake me awake, (the friend is my
foster sis btw) but she said that I pulled away from her,
curling into fetal poaition and she was afraid to try that
one again. At least I have not screamed awake in a
while....that scares me...and those that hear it. so I
have not slept very well for about a good week and a
half...and that just makes me more nervous when I am