Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-03-02 14:09:04 (UTC)

Controlled Burn

It's 807am. The clouds have covered the sky, and all that
seems to be visible is a narrow patch of the sky
surrounded by what appear to be dark rain clouds. I can
hear the wind in the distance. And I think.. seagulls.

So this was a waste of time. The last hour I just spent
looking up stuff online and surfing. Rather, than say...
studying for my exam today. And it is today actually. But
not till 220pm.

I find myself thinking about Andrea again. It's such a
cute name actually. Hm.. Andrea. Very spanish? I'm not
quite sure. I like how it just rolls off the tongue. Oh
it's Greek. Interesting.. At any rate, I'm missing her
tons. .. I wonder what she is up to? Probably in class...

I felt really bad last night that we didn't get to talk
all that much. Well what had happened was that she signed
on around 10pm I think, and we talked for a very short
bit. But she had to go and do something, so she had me
wait. Well, I waited of course.. but I was also waiting
for someone else to show up at the house. Namely, my
therapist. But that's a long story. Well Andrea finally
came back but at that time, I thought I heard my
therapist's car pull up so I thought I would have to go
and see what was up. Well, it turns out it wasn't. And
when I came back Andrea had signed off. So that kind of
really sucked. My therapist came by later and just fell
asleep on the couch. So I decided I would just sleep as
well, as I had an exam the next day.. Wrote Andrea one
last email and signed off.

So now.. I am awake the next morning. Thinking about her.
Wondering. Thoughts of her of course fill my mind. I've
been thinking about her and I have the strange feeling she
holds things back from me. I don't think she does it
purposely, rather... I think she does it reflexively. I
sense, ... she gets bored easily too.

I kinda wonder then if this is some kind of passing
infatuation with her in regards to me. I admit though,
that I wonder the same thing about myself. But, then why
is it that I tell myself that I can study at the desk if I
just keep messenger signed on..waiting for her and reading
my book there instead of in bed with my therapist?
Actually she has been kind of grouchy that we haven't been
having our sessions in about .. two or so weeks. But I do
tell her I am feeling fine now. Although... she is abit
wary of this Melanie thing too. But that's another story.

I guess no one likes to hear or admit that their feelings
for someone might just be simple infatuation. It's a
possibility I have to take into account, however. For her
and me. I think it's almost unfair of me to even say that
what she has for me is just a crush of some sort. Since, I
am not in her shoes, so I can not tell what she feels or
anything. Plus if I were to say so, it might actually
affect how she feels for me, that is.. she might actually
feel love for me, but after my comment it turns into ..
well something alot less. It's double edged blade, that
has to be worked carefully. On the one hand, I feel good
that I make her feel good and all relaxed.

I'll have to see how this works out. If it turns out to
bloom fully into romance, then... it works out for us. And
if it doesn't, then... I am sure she will find someone
else that will make her feel alot happier like when she
was with Kyle. The trick, ... and this is the hardest
thing that I have yet to learn, is this... To let things
progress naturually.

It's the culmination of everything I have learned. The
centerpiece and foundation of my introspection. To leave
things as they are, to progress naturally and on their
own. To have the minimal amount of intereference, and only
when absolutely necessary.

I suppose you could compare it to an old adage. If you let
the person you love go, and they come back to you ... then
they were meant to be with you.

I suppose also, it's cause I try not to make the first
move. I'm always the last one to say I love you the first
time in a relationship of two people. I just don't make
the first move. It's because I can always be sure of how I
feel, but never of how the other feels. Plus it's not
polite to put them in a situation where they either must
break or politely put your feelings down. So I just never
do it, to never put someone in that awkward a situation.

But I'm digressing. I'm going to let this progress
naturually. And if she falls in love with me then that's
fine and we can work on it then, to start a relationship.
Assuming that's what she wants. But if not, then.. Well I
am sure it was for the best. Cause, certainly to force
someone to love you isn't exactly... real love. It's
completely not the point.

She's leaving for some tour in Scottland soon. Which is
why she's been practicing alot during rehearsal with her
group. I find it really cool that she's going to be off to
Europe soon, and no less cause of her skills as a musician
which just adds to the coolness. I tease her about finding
some hot guy in Scottland with the last name McDougal. Or
something like that. Doug McDougal. Heh. And that she'll
fall in love and just want to stay in Scottland.

Course, I am not really serious bout that, although it
does kind of earmark how I kind of get jealous at the
thought of her and another guy. Not really jealous, but
just a twinge of it. Actually... I sort of wonder if she
thinks bout Kyle... I guess I don't mind because, it might
actually be better if she finds someone closer to her than
say.. someone like me so far away. I mean, .. she's very
uhh.. how shall I say.. Not so Innocent when we chat. Heh.
So I can only imagine she's very physical and needs alot
of physical affection. Which is understandable.. I mean it
doesn't make me any less jealous but... I want what's best
for her.

I keep looking at her picture.. she's absolutely gorgeous!
I think I'm going to ask her later today when I see her,
if she has another picture...

I'm feeling very very neutral, with a twinge of ... chaos.
This is how I love to feel.. Because, my feelings are
completely empty, and they don't influence what I think
anymore. Absolutely perfect attunement. Well, not that
perfect, but perfect as in it's free of interference. I
guess that's why I always clung to the second rule.. cause
when I get emotionally attatched, I tend to get.. very
possessive and really a pain to be around. Seriously
emotionally attatched, which is something I try to avoid
with everyone I find myself getting romantically inclined
with. Such as Andrea. It's not that I don't want to get
emotionally attatched to her. Like I said, I want to see
how things work out. But rather, the reason I try not to
get emotionally attatched is that it becomes very easy for
me to lose control and just work on nothing but feelings.
See, as I am now.. I am a person who's compeltely focused
on logic and rational. The utter opposite of a needy
emotional person. I've taken years to learn how to
suppress my feelings, and I've gotten quite good at it,
although.. probably not perfect as was seen recently with
Mel.. but much better than the average person I have to
say. Alot better. But imagine, someone quite the opposite
of me. Instead of firmly attatched to cold feel of logic
and lack of feelings, ... you have someone quite the
opposite. Someone who embraces their feelings and lets it
take them wherever it goes, like someone adrift on the
ocean. That would be me, if I wasn't in such control of
how I felt. If I wasn't firmly in charge of the quite
enormous potential well of feelings at my disposal. And I
fear such a person. No direction, no discipline. No
meaning. It's not that I fear the potential, it would be
silly to fear it and ignore it. On occassion, I have been
known to make use of it for.. motivational purposes.
Rather, I fear it because of what it can become if I could
not control it. It's as if it were a spontaneous burst of
fire, made by the random chance of lightning in a wooded
area. The fire spreads like wildfire throughout the dry
elements nearby. And when it's completely exhausted, the
fire burns itself out, but not after having consumed
itself and everything around it. That's what I would be
like if I wasn't in control. A wild and near
uncontrollable force, directing it's skills, feelings,
strengths and weaknesses at whatever just happened to
catch it's interest. For good and bad. It would be the
purest form of chaos, that engulfs everything. It doesn't
help either that I've learned to become cunning either.
I'm a few steps away from evil genius sometimes.

At least this way, with my way, It's a controlled burn.
It's more focused, centralized, and within reason. To lose
control like that.. it would wreak havoc not on just me,
but more importantly, havoc on everyone around me. To let
that happen is unacceptable to not only me, but those that
I am obligated to. It's lucky I grew up the way I did, ...
I'd prolly a much radically different person right now.
Sometimes... I wonder what I would have turned out without
learning control. It wouldn't be pretty that's for
freaking sure.

I try not to get that intensely emotionally attatched
because it makes me feel so incredibly needy (more so than
normal) and, it tends to put the other person off. I guess
it's kind of funny cause the only person I met that was as
incredibly needy as me was Nonna. I guess I should not say
needy. Rather, we made the perfect match. I was needy, and
she was very obsessive and posessive and jealous. Well not
visibly.. But when she wanted me she really clung to me.
Which is exactly what I wanted! I mean, I had always
wanted someone who would cling to me like that.. so it's
little wonder that we hit it off so well. Also the fact
that she was a cutey helped alot too. I mean, it was a
match made in heaven. She was obsessive about me and I was
obsessive about us. Well it wasn't love mind you. We just
hit it off really well like close friends... and plus we
shared alot of the same interests. And we made such a cute
couple, although.. we weren't going out or anything. I
think Nonna tried her best to not get into a romantic
relationship with me cause she wasn't sure what Mel would
think or sure of how I still felt about Mel. I think
that's actually why Mel started getting a bit ticked.
Cause her best friend was starting in on her ex... and it
seemed like we were becoming the perfect couple.
Course, ... things kinda went down hill. But not cause of
Nonna.. and surprisingly enough.. not cause of me either.
But that's another story I guess. I still wonder bout
Nonna.. I keep trying to write to her but I think either
Mel gave me the wrong addy or her husband is deleting my
emails.

I'm listening to punk music, Drowning Pool, Let the bodies
hit the floor. I know Laura hates that song, cause .. well
I think she told me cause it scares her. Uh, ya but it's
just a song. It's probably what's putting me in this...
neutral/evil mood.

I had a thought, ... I wonder if Andrea likes punk rock?
Now that's an interesting thought... At any rate, I
thought I would end this here and start on some studying.
Well.. after I goof off and waste some more time.. and
maybe an email to Andrea too...Mm.. I wonder if I should
try to clarify this entry later. Perhaps... but anyhow
gotta study now.




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