polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-03-02 02:10:42 (UTC)

you don't miss me.

i am NOT a happy camper.

it's almost 8 and scratching my arms red as substitute for
cutting. my blood is boiling, rising, and i can almost feel
the steam spewing from my ears.

i feel so crummy. i feel dirty, greasy, and sick. i feel
like a disgusting hog. fat and filthy.

my morning was slow. i groggily awoke, 10 minutes
past "hannah, oh my god you're going to be late". i had to
snag a ride to school, but i wasn't late. thank god. but
that didn't stop the office from giving me behavior clinic
(yech) after school for wednesday. i am uber uber pissed.

walking to homeroom, i realized i'd forgotten my drawing at
my home. it was due in a few minutes. luckily, a cell phone
and my dad came to the rescue and i had my drawing just in
time. but that did not rescue my day. in second hour, we
played soccer, which should have been awesome awesome. i've
been looking forward to it for weeks. let me tell you,
soccer is a LOT better when everyone knows what they're
doing. it's a long story and i won't go into detail. doing
so will only arouse feelings of true hatred, severe
resentment for some of the people i know. all i can tell
you now is that i have skin missing from my swolen shin,
and bites on my arm from an ant pile. :)

oh, and not to mention people laughing at me, and throwing
dirt at me, "oh my god hannah it's an ant pile! watch out!"

:(

i don't know. that put my mood in a low place for the rest
of my day. i'm still pissed. i don't want to be around
anyone right now. not because of that, just because i'm
getting irritated by anyone and everyone around me. i
resent everyone. every sound, everything. i want them all
to go away. except apple. he's the only one i'll talk to -
except he's gone.

goddamnit. i am not happy. i'm going to cry. everyone is
being an asshole. i'm freaking out. crisis. i'm having i
nervous breakdown, an anxiety attack. i effing hate the
world.

why am i feeling this? i don't know, and i want it to stop.
the people that i am unfortunate enough to live with are
kicking me off the computer. i need my computer back.

i just hate everyone. i have to leave. get out of here. who
would care? they're all ready to give up on me anyway. they
won't miss me. hell, i'm already gone. they don't miss me.
you don't miss me. i don't miss myself.

i close my eyes and see a girl, in a bland white rag dress
and long dark hair cover her face; she hugs herself, keeps
her arms close around her, trying to shield herself from
the frost that bites her bare toes. she shivers, and
exhales deeply, her steamy breathe materializing in a fog
around her face. she trudges along the street, her red,
tired eyes hidden in the dark, drenched, and tangled mess.
all she needs is someone to love her, and maybe she can
begin to love herself. if only she could get to a place, a
warm place, away from the cold. if only she could step in
from the blizzardy hell that she has been placed in. if
only she could comb the knots from her head, dry her eyes,
get into a warm bed, and dream her soul to peace. and i
watch her the entire way, i follow her on her trek to inner
bliss. i play with the fringe on the end of her ragged
dress, sitting in a chair by the fire, as she sleeps in her
warm bed, a smile on her face.


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