ProblemChild

Is this even considered a life?
2004-03-02 02:05:45 (UTC)

might this be my last entry?

im just so sick of being alive...
how long will i be? ..I dont no how long ill be.
whats 30 do? does it do nehting?.... prbably not..
probably shou;ld go back n take more
i just couldnt help it.. i didnt even no i was as upset as
i was its just i come in and my mom cleaned my drawers and
marissa took the pacifier that whintey gaveme and she
wanst giving itback and they were just letting her have it
and it just ahh i dont no i exploded i started crying i
was tryinhg to hold it in.. but ahh i dont no... so i took
the pacifier back and then my mom and time were arguing
and then i went in the bathroom and.. did what ive been
thinking ill do for the last few days....i didnt think
idactually end up doing it...becuas ethe crazy thing is i
never do what i want to.. i see it in my head and i never
go through and tyh4e things i tell myself IM GONNA DO
IT..ill make myself i yhave to i WANT TO... i never do...
and it just drives me crazy and then i think this and dont
really put that much thought intpo it and end up doing
it?! ahhh! so am i gonan make it to bretts funeral next
week? or wiull i be making it to my own?... i dont no.. im
just so sick of living so sick of all this... i want love.
i was thinkin it in the airport.... its not fair. I wnat
it so bad and i saw the coupleswith babies and i was
thinkin how cute and everything EVERYTHINGS SO FUCKING
CUTE! and ah i dont no... AH luke!... he helped drive me
crazy.. my face itches... hesbeen driving me crazy... do u
ever make up like stories in ur head and u make urself out
to be an awesome person and say things u wnat to say and
people understand and love u back and thinsg all be peachy
keen only to find its not real and u never sya what u
think and ur not that aweosme and they dont love you back?
all the time for me.... lukes a fuck up... but i always
thoguht itd be wonderful to have him as my fuck-up... to
try and help him.. i wnated to help him so bad.. BUT I
DONT SAY HOW I FEEL!.. and i tried callin whitney alittle
biut ago but.... my moms phones batteries went liek dead
and the room phone wouldnt let me call and ahh.. i feel
liek im on a rush cuz i dont no when or whats gonna
happen... and if i do die... whitneys gonna be so mad atr
me that i went first... FUCKIN WORLD!.... :/ im just so
tired of it... so much for whitney and sara and my plans
for sumemr and so much for summer.. i was so lookin
forward to the beautiful weather...tryin to ahve drew call
whitney and have her call me... i love them and sara and i
love sarah g and katie s too muches...oh eys and caitlin a
very much also... and all iw ant to do is talk yo whitney
and then lie down with the quilt thing katie made that i
took from whinteys and die peacefully.. wouldnt that be
nice?... hmmm WHINTEY CALL DREW BACK!..... lalalala....
blahblahblah... im done watsing more life.. im gonna go...
u no what.. itd be sad if i died ya no?.. never wnated to
die a virgin haha... ohwell... hmmm.... i dont want to be
saved now tho.. cuz i dont wnat my stomach pumped..
lalalala... to go take more or no?... b=naw ill just see
what happens... i love all my friends u no who u guys r!
LUKE GET SMARTER... RYAN C BE HAPPY ...WHITNEY I WILL LOEV
U FOREVER AN DEVER AND FOLLOW OUT UR DREAMS BECUZ U R SO
WONDERFUL SO AMAZING SO AHHHH! AND SARA U TOO R SUCH..
well whitney said to call her after 9 peoria time.. so
yay..a nd now im talkin to drew about whathe thinks will
happen so im gonna fgog now kkkkkkkk? BAH! living without
feeling really loved in ur own thoughts and heart.... is
like.....you shoulkdnt even be alive... becuz who would
reslly care in ur head?..... :///// o well...




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