blueswede

jazz and conversation from the foot of Mt. Belzoni

So the hunger still hasn't worn off. In fact, I'm eating as
I write this. I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm
wanting to eat so much. I'm thinking maybe I could just eat
some ungodly amount of pasta or something and then feel like
if I never eat again it'll be too soon. That's nothing more
than speculation on a cure, though.

There hasn't really been much change since my last entry. I
am fairly convinced that, save one problem, I kicked ass on
my systems midterm, which is good. And my theory midterm is
coming back this week, so we'll see how that worked out for
me. I will be furious if I didn't do at least decent on it,
so if there's a big news story about a madman running loose
in upstate New York causing heavy property damage, you might
be able to guess my grade on it.

My radio show is still going well, though it's becoming just
a bit more difficult to keep up. The station actually has a
very good CD and record library, full of all sorts of weird
and obscure bands, but unfortunately they seem to be lacking
in the classic fallbacks for people like myself, bands like
Pink Floyd and The Who. Furthermore, the jazz CDs aren't as
good as I'd like; while I've been able to find a few gems in
the mess, Cannonball Adderley for instance, I'm hard pressed
to find things I'd expect a good station to have, like John
Coltrane and some of the Smithsonian compilations. Perhaps
over spring break I should copy some of my father's personal
library and really start learning about jazz.

So in other news, while I've still not been bothered by the
recent rejection from the grad student I had been pursuing,
the feeling of invincibility from not being much affected by
it has worn off. That means I'm pretty much back to where I
was before I met her. And while that's not necessarily all
that bad a place, it does mean I've slid back a little from
the confidence I had over the last week. Unproductive days
can do that to you, I guess.

Anyway, the real point here is that I'm back to feeling the
same old oppressive loneliness. It doesn't help that I find
myself missing home, or that I have a fair amount of work to
get done before I go home next Saturday. So it's getting a
little rough, and probably will continue to be so until such
time as I'm done with my work and can leave.

I'm not sure why I seem to have attached such importance to
finding a girlfriend, especially considering everything else
I have going in my life. Normally I'd blame it on being 19
and male, but there are plenty of dudes who are about my age
who really don't seem to care all that much. Now granted, a
lot of them have been in relationships in the past, and now
they're just enjoying the single life for a while. So maybe
it's just my lack of experience that is causing this concept
to take on such significance.

The worst part is that it's difficult to figure out exactly
why I've been so unsuccessful. Some of it I'm sure is from
my particular luck distribution, but I'd have to have almost
no interpersonal luck for that to be the only factor, and I
have a number of friends, so that can't be the only problem
area. Some of it I'm sure is poor perception on my part; I
often take things at face value and expect that people will
be up front with me, and I've realized they usually aren't.
Though for what it's worth, I did actually get some honesty
this last go, which is better than usual.

But I seriously think there must be other factors coming in
to play, and I can't figure out what they are. In the past,
I've usually blamed my appearance. That explanation is not
quite so plausible in the last few months, and most women I
know tell me I'm not bad-looking at all. Now maybe they're
bullshitting me in some effort to not hurt my feelings, and
if they are I'll be quite annoyed, but I'm willing to assume
they're telling the truth.

That leaves either my personality or my cultural interests,
and I really don't think I'd have as many friends as I do if
I were an obnoxious jerk and didn't realize it. And I have
not lost enough faith in humanity to think that just liking
stuff that's a little weird would lead to 100% failure when
it comes to dating. If that is the root cause, then I might
be in worse shape than I thought.

So that's about all I can think of for personal factors. It
could just be a lack of exposure; maybe I don't know enough
of the right people. Unfortunately, that's the one factor I
can't figure out how to compensate for. So I hope it's not
the big problem here.

Whatever is actually the cause of my failures, I'm hoping to
get it dealt with before too long. I'm getting really sick
of being single, and I'm tired of the feelings that seem to
come with the territory. To be honest, it's really a matter
of companionship more than anything else. Now I realize how
lame that sounds, and I'm not claiming to be "sensitive" or
any of those other terms. But I do get really sick of being
alone as much as I am. And I get weary of not having anyone
to be affectionate with. Yeah, I admit I'm looking for some
physical side to a realtionship, but nothing much.

What I'm looking for is some company, a little conversation,
and to paraphrase Paul Simon's classic, a little tenderness
beneath the honesty.

This is Dave, signing off.