2004-02-28 13:52:45 (UTC)


February 28, 2004

He’s sleeping and here I am, as usual when something like
this happens, sitting here unable to go into the room and
climb into bed, even though my body is exhausted. I know
this isn’t good for me but I let it happen anyway. I do not
take control and put myself in bed. I avoid the situation
because I am full-up with feeling like shit at bedtime,
under usual circumstances let alone unusual times. I just do
not know anymore, is there really any point to continuing
this cycle... the painful is very painful and it is
beginning to blur reality. I just want NORMAL... whatever
that is... just to feel normal...

and loved...

Yes, I feel okay most of the time... but not really, because
it is always lurking just under the surface. It just does
not feel right!? Yes, I can slide into routine and the
familiar and I am probably lying to myself or at the least
convincing myself that all is normal.... but, then, why does
it feel like it is not normal.... normal is probably a poor
choice of words due to all the images that surround it...
maybe comfortable is a better word?

I need to expose this pain. I need to talk about what I am
feeling without feeling as though I am being disloyal.
Without someone in the wings cutting me off and telling me
what they want to say. It would be nice if someone thought I
was important enough to listen and really care about what it
is that I am going through. Someone who wanted to put their
arm around me and let me just be! Someone who would... could
.... give me a feeling of being beautiful and interesting
and intelligent and intriguing and warm and caring and
someone of value....

This really is not a country where one can feel comfortable
with growing old. No one seems to miss you if you happen not
to call or not show up. I always make it a point to smile,
nod, or say hello when I cross paths with an elder person. I
wonder what their story is.... how much more of life they
have witnessed... if their dreams were fulfilled?

I am not a negative person and I am not on a pity party trip
... I have lived well... but, BUT... I am in a space and it
is not comfortable and I do not know how to fix it... to
stop the pain. Because of my age, I cannot act in a manner
which would have helped me in the past. Besides, I do not
desire too. My thinking has changed greatly from where it
was in my past... both long past and recent past.

I have needs and I am tired of them not being met! I know
this is not good for my health.... boy is that a story in
and of itself.... someone said, “If you want it to live you
feed it... If you want it to die you starve it.....” I’m
starving.... and that is all there is to it, simply put.

It is not always so easy to feed one’s self, as so many
allude too.