Niki

~
2004-02-28 03:38:58 (UTC)

Marco turned up at my house..

Marco turned up at my house last night. I didnt really know
what to do.. this thing we have sab.. its a curse, i dont
want it anymore, i dont want people to not be able to let
go of me. I dont want to see him ever again, yet he turn up
at 6am... He was ok... i guess. like not all crying n i
want you back or anything cuz he knows i'd just slam the
door in his face, but he wants "to be friends" saying that
his mum is all depressed n shit and his whole familky
misses me, and he misses me and loves me n shit. he said he
wants me back in his life, like as a friend, and only a
firend.. but i can tell that thats not all he wants, he
wants to get back together, and i dont. I have no feelings
left for him at all.

One of the stupid things is that i stayed with him for so
long cuz he didnt put me up on a pedistool like everyone
else always has... like i let go of my control for ages..
but i want that back. i have it back. and i know its cuz of
you, you reminded me of who i am. and thats how i want to
be. im feeling really vounrable right now, like i dont want
to have anything to do with marco ever again, but its like
i got myself back, and i had this fire inside of me, and he
came over, and the flame inside me has like almost gone out
again.. like it did when i was with him. ugh.. sab.. to me,
your my gasoline... *lol* does that make any sence what-so-
ever? i dunno. I wanna talk to you soooo bad. i need to
hear from you.. email me or something, i wanna go back to
that place where i am when im with you. u need to "touch my
inner smile" again. know what i mean?

I love you Sabastian... i need you. you give me strength
when I run low... you empower me to be myself and be happy
with myself. ugh.. maybe i shouldnt have to rely on you to
make me feel like that.. maybe one day i wont need to rely
on anyone else. i didnt used to need it.. but i right now..
im not 100% yet, im like 98% most of the time, then after i
saw marco im like back down to 45%.slowly going up as the
day goes by i guess. maybe all i need is time. AND YOU
SABASTIAN. I NEED YOU.