purple star

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2004-02-27 08:18:25 (UTC)

hypocritcal

the funniest part about my problem is the reference that
patrick made to it last night in harry brownes. ashley and
i were there together hanging out and drinking and what
not. i was talking to bill and patrick mostly. and she
began flirting with this guy garrett (not garrett who works
at castlebay). all night patrick was somewhat kurt to
her. which was somewhat funny in my head because the last
time we hungout in harry brownes, ashley was talking about
me, and i said to patrick while glancing at ashley 'do your
friends ever talk shit about you'. and he goes 'yeah' and
i said 'i fucking hate that'. and that was the end of the
convo that night. at one point ashley said something to
him last night and he was like 'why do you always try to
start shit up here ashley? thats so fucked up.' and was
genuine with a touch of sarcastic tone. which i took great
pleasure in. he made comments such as this to her all
night.

having said all of that.... lets recap the last week.
briefly.... there is this guy named ferry who worked at
joss with us until a week ago. he is sweet, funny,
interesting to talk to, and cute. i, however, do not have
any sort of feelings for him other than on a friendly
basis, and she does. she became extremely jealous over
time because he continuously gave me more attention, and
more positive attention, than her. so she got really mad
at me one night. we had a huge screaming fight. she said
some things that were really hurtful towards me, but i
brushed all of it off and remained calm. which is a
strategy i often employ, and worked as well in this
situation as it usually does.

jumping to tonight... and every night pretty much....
ashley flirts with basically everyone that has two legs and
a dick. tonight it was nat (bartender at MD Inn) and owen
(irish guy i have slept with in the past). she
continuously flirts with owen in my presence while smirking
at me. like it should bother me, and shes proud of it.
the only thing that bothers me, however, is the fact that
she is so damn hypocritical. i understand that i do not
have feelings for owen and she had feelings for ferry and
thought that i was hiding stuff from her about mine and his
relationship blah blah blah. but why be a hypocrite? she
continuously flirts with guys i have either hooked up with,
or who am romantically interested in.

she flirts with josh. who i have been sleeping with on a
regular basis over the last month and a half (refer to
previous entry for current update on this situation) and
have feelings for. and more importantly she flirts with
patrick. whom i have feelings for but am stuck in my
current state of not acting on any of them for the sake of
he is married to one of my friends. i am not coniving and
would never try to be with him while they are attempting to
work things out. i will hangout with him and talk to him
like a friend, like we always have. but it will never go
any further than that. unless a few years from now they
are divorced and neither of us is with anyone. and most
importantly of all, she used to flirt her ass off with
mark. whom i was/am in love with.

what part of the word hypocritical is different or
difficult for her? i dont understand how she can become so
infuriated by the fact that unprovoked recently, ferry has
feelings for me and treats me different than her, and yet
continuously (we are talking on a nightly basis) heavily
flirts with a love interest of mine. especially when she
makes it so clear that she would never be with a white
boy. (ferry is javanese (indonesian if you are not
familiar with the term javanese.... island of java.)
anyway) all the guys i am interested in are white.

did i do something to deserve this?

the one thing that i dont understand about myself is that
she is insanely jealous of the fact that ferry has feelings
for me and not her when (quoting her) "trust me, there is
nothing about you i should be jealous of". and i am not
jealous when she flirts with these people. i am maddened
by the fact that she is being hypocritical. however, i
laugh and continue to have a good time and it only shows
through my writing that it bothers me. but what i dont get
is: where is my jealousy? shouldn't i be jealous when she
is flirting with these guys and they give her attention?
wouldn't most girls be? but im not. its the strangest
situation. maybe its because on some level i know that i
am more mature and farther along in my journey... or maybe
its because i hate jealousy so much. i dont know what it
is. dont get me wrong, i am extremely glad that i do not
have jealous feelings. because i really do hate jealousy.
but it just seems so odd to me that she can be so cold and
inconsiderate of me and i just brush it off. why? maybe i
feel sad for her on some level. that she must live her
life in jealousy of someone who does nothing to provoke
it. and of someone who would do anything for anyone, but
who repeatedly gets treated like shit. i fear that i will
forever be a welcome mat. always will i be seen, stepped
on, and forgotten. but i guess in my heart, i know that
the important ones will see me for who i appear not to be.
and thats what allows me to sleep at night. and on that
note. im off. goodnight jealousy. goodnight animosity.
see you tomorrow when i encounter my roommate.


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