2004-02-27 07:10:45 (UTC)

wouldn't that be scary

if i really loved one person that much?

I look back, in a different state of mind (state of mine)]
and look towards the future hopeful that it is possible
that someone could love me like that and i back, but I
look behind me and can only recall one time when i was
completely set on one person. and that didn't work out.

not to bring you down or anything.

and then i open my eyes to the present and feel the need
to shut them again.

I said I feel like I am without a friend in the world
without him last time. Let me change this. I am feeling
more and more without his friendship and it really hurts
because he is an important friend. But today, hanging out
with a group of friends (including him) i realized there
is life past this one person. Yeah, it still brings me
down to think about it, but it isn't the sole thing I have
going on.

(although i do have a soul thing going on.. but that's
another story. i just want my peace back again!!)

Today, he was there and she was there. It used to
be us three like the three musketeers or something for
about 2 years minus last year's absence. We'd kidnap him
with his consent and just do crazy things like go on
adventures. but then there was something between them. and
that changed. i thought it went away. And for a little
while, i convinced myself there was something between me
and him in the past few months, egged on by people telling
me " i've always seen u guys together" "u guys are going
to get married" "is he your boyfriend?".

I mean come on. that can only not affect you for so long
when it's someone you care a lot about before you start
thinking hmmm and when u are around someone enough, you
have a greater chance of develloping feelings.
Unfortunately, this time just didn't work out. And
unfortunately, today was just like old times.

He could only see her and it hurt because I felt like a
replacement for a while but now i was getting replaced,
which isn't really getting replaced since i was only
subbing in while she rested back. And I knew the minute I
caught on to the way he looked at her that I needed to
back away. And it's frusterating, but I dont know if it's
deeper than that, because I can accept that. I mean, if I
think about it too much, it will be me wanting to have him
like me more than her and not wanting a relationship and
what's the point in that.

*if it's not keeping u up at night.. then what's the

and about the liking more than one person at a time.. that
brings me around to a different breed. A breed I'd like to
call ..um.. wonderful?? let's call him Tom. (tom
thumb..agh the weird inside jokes i make with myself to
remember things..) Tom is not like the aforementioned "he"
known as Pat. See, Pat is tricky and the King. The king of
mixed signals that is. Tom. Tom is unusual. Tom was
written about in love wouldn't miss.. yes. that was all
tom. *he is all that and more* lol no really.

Tom is the kind of person u see and are just like,
I bet that person is really interesting, and then you get
to actually meet them and get to be friends with them and
they completely live up to any expectations you had.

I hadn't talked to Tom in a little bit and was getting
a bit disheartened about it considering I had so much
opportunity to last semester.. so i am goofing off with
one of my friends. he walks by, but i dont say anything
because I have described some of Tom's personality char.
to this friend and am paranoid she will put three and
three together. (and get six) (i dont get what u would get
with 4? a double date?) and so I just smile to myself and
get giddy. I am caught unaware humming a tune i had made
up when I hear him behind me. Ah yes. right behind me. How
long was he there listening to my randomness? no worries
tho lol. He walks around and talks to us for a little
while and i am like aghhh lets go make out. no i'm jk.
that's wrong. no. no i'm not jk. sigh. (just to clear that
up. it was all in my head. at no point did i mention
making out) then, as fast as he had come, he was gone.

and I was compelled
to smile aimlessly the rest of the day in pure.. glee.
ack. i'm using words like glee. and ack for that matter.
and phrases i don't understand like "for that matter"

what is becoming of me..
see. this is not
something Pat could do. Only Tom. And for Tom, it
was immediate. But i guess there is a
dif. relationship from a close friend then a new
acquaintance. (although Tom is not "new" anymore.) Oddly
enough, the .. i dont know.. excitement of getting to know
someone has failed to wear off.

*what does it all mean*