2004-02-26 04:53:00 (UTC)


chris always im's me/
i for the most part, always answer
why dont i just delete this Loser from my life?

tonight, my away message was on,

and he said, simply
"good night"

i havent messaged him in a long time. he has been off my
buddy list for a long time now.
he is, tho, one of the first people i called when i thought
my dad moved out.

he cant tell the difference between me and any of the other
girls. i was just one in a long line of em.....

he always said i understood him better then anyone else
ever had. i wonder if thats true at all and if he still
thinks that and why does this even matter?

do i just have nothing going on in my life? am i in total
denail of LIFE? do i have a right to get pissy with marco?
for not calling/writing me when i know he has free time up
the ass.
i dont think i can let someone degrade me like that, even
if its a stupid/crazy situation like ours.

i cried. cause i felt distance in his voice. he said
something once he has to distance himself so he wont miss
me . what kind of heartless, loveless bastard wont even
write, wont even leave a 30 second voicemail? its
absolutely unfathomable. heartless.
he says sweet things. he is there for me. he listens. he
handles me well.
im not stupid tho. lately he stopped writing. lately he
gets tired very often. i dont want to let him go. its
obvious i must.

i dunno, if we really love eachother,. maybe in a SENSE.
but its not real. and it would never work if it was. this
is something to tie us both over. from what ? i dunno.

totally unbearable lonliness?
i need him cause i need to feel like i have SOMETHING. that
im not totally alone. but sometimes he is my greatest
friend. he is who i can talk to about anything. almost
everyday. a companion. jeez i know nothing at all.

and i think about my writing, but i barely ever write. i
would, i could, if i made the time. im sick now. well think
about this more when i have more energy.
i write lull time at work. its alays been that way. didnt
go to my writing class yesterday. was very sick. still
sick. ears still popping. and tired.

trying not to be sad.

carrie says, the last thing she says, ""The most exciting,
challenging and significant relationship of all is the one
you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the
you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie

im not sure if there is anything about me i LOVE just yet.
there are things i like very much.

i love my love of learning, and my curiosity.
i love my feelings about helping people.
i love that i can trust myself to make myself ok

i mean, i do know what i want

i want to be appreciated for who i am, and what i am. i
want to be treated in the way i deserve to be treated/

i just cant write him right now. i dont know what to say. i
just cant. im gonna think about something else.

im gonna sleep