forever 17

silent wishes
Ad 2:
2004-02-26 03:59:41 (UTC)

what am i supposed to do?

ahh...its seems that something decided to make my house
the site of World War [insert some outrageous number cause
i'm tired of thinking o f them]. i dont have a clue what
started it all either. i fell asleep on the couch watching
the news and then i woke up and kid is screaming about
something and my mother is trying to talk sense into him. i
figure the best thing for me to do is just to go back to
sleep and jsut as i almost dose back off, kid's little
shrill voice bellows "PAW!!!!", calling for my father, and
goes tearing through the house like a bat out of hell.
shortly follwing is my mother screaming something i paid no
attention to. this continues for about 5 or 10 minutes,then
they all decide to go to the kitchen. we have band festival
next wednesday, at which we have to be at a school on
completely on the other side of the county. when somebody
tells you this place is out in the middle of nowhere, they
aren't kidding. we have to be there no later then 8:15,
which doesnt sound that bad, until you consider the only
way to get there is to drive straight through the middle of
town, at the precise time every other person this side of
egypt is trying to go to work. momma has to take kid to
school and leaves at 7:15 and doesnt get back until 8, if i
got a ride from my dad i'd have to leave my house at 5:45
and we ain't doin' that. so, i asked my boyfriend could he
pick me up and take me. he said yes, and i asked momma and
she said yes that was fine, but that i had to ask my
father. heh, let the good times roll! sarcasm is great for
things like this...anyway. so i go to ask him can my
boyfriend come pick me up that morning and drive me to the
school. but before i even get one word out, kid jumps all
up in my face and starts yelling "no! no you cant!" and i
havent even asked the question yet...his hollering and
yelling and flailing about never puts me in much of a good
mood and i told him "i'm gonna knock you down if you dont
hush." wasnt being mean, wasnt yelling. just stating a
fact. so then my father says "are you tryin' to ask me
something", and for some reason, he likes to drink beer
lately, and when this happens, everything he says,
intentional or not, comes off as smart-allecked and with a
forced happiness, altho that's the most
repulsive 'happiness i've ever seen...anyway, i say "yea i
was tryin' to" at which point kid starts yelling various
comments and such. my father moves in between us and i
proceed to ask my question. i dont know if he actually
heard what i said or not, but he said 'yea, ok, i dont see
a problem with that.' great. so there's one thing that
actually went right.
sometime during all of this, one of my mom's customers
calls and i forget this until i've opened my over-
opinionate, loud mouth and holler to her "momma he said ok"
and i got to write it one the slip we have to turn into the
band director so he knows who to kill if somebody doesnt
show up. after she gets off the phone she starts yelling at
me, telling my that you cant read my handwritting. so says
the one who made my last name appear as "Cong" on the
paper...yea. ::sighs:: so i try to tell her, it looks fine
and that it doesnt matter and somewhere during that we
start jerking the paper out of each other's hands. i'm
surprised it's still in one piece. somehow, our
little "dispute" managed to evlove into an all out
screaming match, in which my dad decided to referee and kid
decided to join in. my father is standing there putting his
hands all up in my face and telling me to stop yelling and
all that, so finally i jerk the paper away from mommma and
just walk off. i had every intention of leaving quietly,
but no. as i started to go up the stairs to my room, kid
decides it's funny to run up the stairs right in front of
are exceptions but this need not be known to the people
MY STUFF, I WILL RAISE HELL. and i did. i finally shove kid
out of the doorway, shut the door and lock it, just as he
starts screaming "PAW!! SHE CUSSED ME OUT!!" now somebody
please tell me when "get your ass out of my room" became
considered cussing someone out. i open the door and yell to
them that no i didnt, and they all start yelling various
things but all saying the same thing "yes you did. you're a
liar." and so on and so forth. i scream no i didnt and lock
the door and right as i go to turn on the radio my father
screams up the stairs, "SHUT UP ALYSON OR I'M GOING TO HIT
YOU!" well now, isnt that lovely? and the thing about it
is, i dont think my mom would care very much if he did.
she'd probably say, "you didnt have to hit her" then turn
around to me and say "yea well you deserved it" and go into
a drawn out yelling match, telling me how much of a horible
person i am and that i'm a liar and that i just dont know
when to shut up and that i have a smart-assed mouth and,
you know, just the usual. i told my boyfriend the other
day, one day my father is going to slip up and tell
me "well if you hate it here so much, you can just leave."
i told him [being my boyfriend], that when my father does
say that, i'm taking him up on his offer. he asked me where
i'd go, and i have to say that i dont know. but i think i
could probably find somewhere. if nothing else there's a
church just up the road, i could go there and call somebody
maybe. but the sad part about it is that i've got all this
planned out. i dont know why i've stuck around as long as i
have, or why i wont stay longer or why i didnt leave
sooner. all i know is that in 2 years i'm packing up my
stuff and moving to New York. i'm going to look for a
college of some sort up there and see what you have to do
to get in.

i'm so sorry. i realize all of this is very boring to
you, but it's the only way i can say any of it without a
teacher or somebody else that i dont want to hear me say
it. i suppose it seems like i'm ungrateful. i'm not,
really. i'm glad i'm here, i just wish it was different,
but then i guess everybody's got something that they'd
change. branton, the lady i was talking about last night,
has told me over and over again how ungrateful and selfish
and weird she thinks i am. i'm sorry? heh...i mean, y'know,
what can i say to that that wont get me suspended or put in
juvenile court? maybe having to deal with her will make me
a better person. i just hope it doesnt make eevrybody else
mad at me and hate me in the process. i suppose one thing
has come of all the arguing and fighting here at my house.
i now know what it's like to feel almost completely
alone...oh look, it's all cold and wet outside. maybe it'll
snow like they say. i hope so. i wish i could talk to my
boyfriend...maybe he'll get on. i really hope so.

forever 17