a chick called Sam

I am sam's inner thoughts
2004-02-25 16:51:47 (UTC)

Flustering fantasies

I believed I could sustain a realtionship with one person
for the remainder of my life. I'm starting to have doubts.
Jonny is the one who I love, I'd like to marry, have his
beautiful babies...

...But a woman has her fantasies, and I live off mine more
than most. Jonny is perfect, in a way almost too perfect.
For all of Jonny's positive attributes, he lacks the
opposite. Maybe I'm asking too much from a person. After
all, can a person be ambivalent? I adore his reliability,
and sensibility. But at the same time, I need to bathe in
excitement , revel in glorious deviance. Be naughty. ;)

Underneath all my recently created insecurites, there is and
has always been that femme fatale.

What's that saying, that goes along the lines of...?

Good girls are angelic, but when they're naughty, THEY'RE
NAUGHTY.

Hehe, that also applies to myself. Jonny being confused, has
mentioned that I am very innocent, but at the same time,
absolutely not. I am paradox. I wonder if I have alter egos,
not educated enough on this topic.

Here's a poem I've written regarding myself. Maybe an
exaggeration...

Sinister Andel

There exists potential,
A devil in disguise.
A harlet, whore, bare, raw.
Dark creature there lies.
Though forever blessed,
Or rather, burdened?
An angel instead.
To live pure and untainted,
In chastity's eyes.

I have mentioned on several occasions that I would not mind
if Jonny had flings with other women, aslong as his heart
reamined mine. Today I have began to question my intentions.
Am I openminded on his behalf, so that he may be in return.

Again I've started fanatasising about a person I have long
held unrequited feelings for, long before I had even met
Jonny.

I am constantly recalling the night were he and I
unexpectedly kissed. Of course it was because he was drunk,
and male. I doubt it was because he had feelings for me. He
also attempted twice to put his hand down my pants, only to
have it slapped away of course. Haha.

It's the chasing which leads to that moment, the excitement
of a slight touch by some trivial action, catching their
sight then sharply, and shyly looking away.

It's the intensifying accumilation of emotion leading to
that moment, that moment of apparency, where mutual feelings
are realised.

I need passion, someone that's raw and driven. I've always
been attracted to artists, the type that are dramatic and/or
passionate. About art, life. I need someone to rekindle my
flame. Maybe I just need a friend with these attributes, not
necessarily a lover. Just someone in my life.

I don't understand myself. I want Jonny, I love him, I need
him. Why am I looking at the green grass on the other side.
I don't think I'll ever act upong these feelings...for as
long as I love Jonny, I don't believe I could betray him.

The way Jonny and I realised our feelings, slightly
dissapointed me. We discussed our feelings before acting
upon them. I also had to tell him that I wanted him to kiss
me, before he would. Maybe I should have took control, acted
upon the heat of the moment. But I'm the type of gal, that
loves to be chased.

I think my recent bout of frigility is due to the lack of
excitment, a bed doesn't really do it for me. Especially
when that bed is within a family home. About two weeks ago
(valentines night), when Jonny last visited, I managed to
persuade him to go to a gig. As we are both fairly
anti-social, we spent the majority of that night in the car.
I gave him my impressive oral sex, and then we had sex. That
was great fun, except for the fact that it was cramped.

I need to work on re-building my self-esteem, my nervousness
is suppressing me. I'm slowly loosing myself. Soon I will
lack in so much confidence, to the extent that I will be
incapable of ignoring my inhibitions. At that gig my
old-self would have been moshing, running around being
drunk, and having fun; instead I was sat in a corner with
Jonny, being anti-social (I'm friendly inside...honest!) and
upset. Upset to the fact that I no longer belonged to that
scene.
----------------------------------------

I also need to sort out the artist within me. In past I've
come across blocks. But never a chasm as great as this. I'm
lost, I no longer know what art I'm interested in, I also
cannot develope a style unique. I don't know where to begin.
My muse has ceased sending me inspiration.


Bah, enough of my frustrations.

I shall leave. :P




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