just a normal life
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2004-02-24 00:10:51 (UTC)

i'm by your side, no words to speak

Okay, so apparantley i just keep going back and forth on
the Steve thing. I mean i met him like 6 months ago or so
by now and I just keep going through periods of oh i do
like him and we met for a reason and oh i don't really
like him but its cool to be friends or oh I don't know I
just can't make up my mind!

I'm so indecisive about these things and thats why I think
I can never keep a boyfriend for more than a month! Its
always like at first I think I really like him and I
think "this time will be different, it will work" and then
soon after I start to get like... well, i mean yea I like
him, but there's probly someone else out there that i'd
like more... cuz i mean i'm not like "oh my gosh i really
like him he's so amazing!" like a lot of people tend to be
with their boyfriends and what not... and then soon
following those feelings i just start to get annoyed by
any little thing that they do and i'm like ahh i can't
take this anymore... and so i start kinda avoiding them
and lala and eventually they break up with me or
unfortunately with ricky I broke up with him.

and ya know whats weird, lately i've really missed Ricky!
I mean I just have been thinking back on all the times we
hung out and all the times we talked on the phone, cuz
talking to steve on the phone kinda reminded me of talking
to ricky. And I mean, me and ricky were just more
comfortable talking about things... If i had to pee i'd be
like ricky, i really gotta pee... and then he'd be
like "me too" and then i'd be like "race ya!" and then
we'd leave the phone in our bed or wherever we were and go
pee as fast as we could and come back! ... he always beat
me, but he's a guy... what do you expect!

But i mean, how weird is that... seriously? It sounds even
weirder now that i wrote it out haha... but we could just
do that! And then i would see him the next day and it
wouldn't be weird at all and I just had so much fun with
him! mostly before we were actually "going out"

Its like, I can handle dating... but beyond that i just
get freaked out or something... and I really dislike that!

And that is not even what this entry was going to be
about... it was simply going to say that I'm done trying
so hard to figure out where I stand with Steve and where i
want to stand with him and what I want us to be...
because honestly, I don't know... and all I do is
continually change my mind. So what good does that do me?
I don't really know. Haha... i don't even know what to say
I think of him as.. a friend? something more? who knows!?
not me! haha so I guess somewhere along the line it will
become more clear to me. But I don't think that will
happen over the phone or online or even necessarily in one
great night that I might get to see him for a few hours!

Yea, and now.. I'm done

With the exception that I now have the biggest crush on a
certain someone with big brown eyes and shaggy dirty
blonde hair who's really tall and just so adorabley cute!
ah! haha but that will never happen... which is why its
just a crush! :) still makes me happy though! it makes me
feel like i'm in gradeschool and i'm all giddy cuz i have
a crush! haha alright i'm done now! :)