poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-02-23 16:17:37 (UTC)

bad feelings

I woke up this morning not feeling as if I had really slept
last night and at this moment - 7:42am - as I sit here at
work, I still feel as if I have not slept. I cannot quite
explain exactly what or how I feel, but suffice it to say
that I do not feel very good; emotionally or mentally
speaking that is - and this can be chalked up, I believe,
to my dreams of last night.

My dreams may have been contributed to the 'strangeness'
between Harry and me last night, however, given the
overwhelming depressing feeling that lingers over me even
hours after waking up, I am inclined to believe there may
be more to it, though what it is I cannot put finger on it.

When I first saw Harry yesterday after meeting with my
father so he could pick up Chantelle, it was about 6:25pm,
I immediately sensed something different about him, his
attitude towards me was slightly off. However, I made
light of it and tried to ignore it. I tried to be
affectionate with him, but it didn't feel natural, I mean
it felt natural for me to be affectionate, but it felt as
if I was forcing it because he wasn't fully reciprocating
like he usually does. He simply seemed distant and the
playful loving demeanor he usually has with me just wasn't
there.

Since it was about dinner time and I was hungry, I asked if
we could go eat something, so he took me to Island's
because we hadn't been there in a long time (even tho'
there's nothing there he really likes to eat ... we went
because he knows I love their Chinese Chicken Salad!) ...
the atmosphere between us during dinner was friendly, but
still ever so slightly awkward, nothing extremely obvious,
but to me, something just wasn't right, wasn't the way it
usually is between us.

After dinner we went to walk around by the Burbank Mall
where they have small stores and Coffee Bean so we could
get a mocha latte (it was especially perfect weather for
it!) ... still the air between us remained slightly askew.
However, up until a certain point and time I continued my
efforts to be affectionate and cute, but when we were
crossing the street to go back to the car and I began
walking rather fast because there cars waiting for us to
hurry up, he really rudely snapped at me 'STOP WALKING SO
FAST!', he's done this a couple of times in the past, but
always was apologetic afterwards, however, this time he
wasn't. He didn't say anything and I literally felt as if
I had been slapped and all the air sucked out of me. I
didn't much feel like being affectionate after that. I
didn't even hold his hand in the car on the way home, or
even put it on his leg like I usually do. Half way home,
he asked if something was wrong, but I said 'No' and he
didn't pursue it.

When we got back to his place, it was almost 9:00pm, we
changed our clothes and climbed into bed to watch 'Runaway
Jury' which I had rented for us to watch before I came
over. I snuggled up next to him, as is our customary
method of watching TV/movies together at his place.
However, it just didn't feel like it usually does. He
turned to me at one point and asked me, "I don't turn you
on anymore, do I?" ... now we had this discussion before
and he knew full well what the answer was. Things arent'
the same as they used to be as far sex goes, but I told him
on several occasions that it has nothing to do with him. I
wondered where that had come from, so seemingly out of the
blue, especially when he was the one who had been acting
odd all evening, but I told him that we had had this
discussion before and nothing had changed since the last
time.

I stayed close to him for most all of the movie, even tried
kissing him a few times (AFTER he asked if he still turned
me on), but the response was virtually nil and rather
(seemingly, to me anyway) robotic actually (on his part) ...

Now, I had done all my shaving yesterday morning knowing
that he and I were going to be together last night after
not seeing each other all weekend, but strangely enough I
did it not in anticipation or hopes of something happening,
but rather out of routine and 'just in case'.
Nevertheless, nothing happened last night and in all
actuality he didn't touch me once, not even to sleep in our
customary 'spoon' position ... I was the one hugging him
all night long.

So ... therein lies the segue to my dreams ...

Suffice it to say that the clearest part of the dream,
wherein the remnants of the feelings still linger, is where
I was at a friend's house (Nicole's I think) and I called
Harry to talk to him, but his phone number was not
working. I thought perhaps I had dialed wrong, and got a
recording that the number had been changed. I tried all
his numbers, but they had been changed. And I even got a
recording that he had 'moved' - oh, the weirdness of
dreams. I couldn't believe that he would just leave me
like that, without saying anything, just disappear with no
warning. I remember trying and trying the numbers over and
over again, but each time I got the same recordings. I
remember trying to tell Nicole what was going on but she
didn't seem to take it seriously. I just felt so
devestated and that's the most prevalent feeling that
remains with me right now ... devestation and overwhelming
sadness.

There were more pieces to the dream but I can't recall them
at this moment ...

well ... I will write more on this later maybe, but for now
I just needed to put it all down. I actually thought it
might be rather theraputic if I did (write about it), but
it hasn't helped much ...




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