Wishin' on some long lost star
Ad 2:
2004-02-23 15:49:28 (UTC)

Until the day i die... i'll spill my heart for you...

No one checks this anymore... It's crazy, because i could
write anything and everything... But yet i refrain in
fear/confusion/anger because there is that one day that
someone will stumble back upon here... I'd do a coming out
thing like laura, but then not only would i be accused
of "copying" people would be all like "ooh now you're just
trying to follow the crowd... why don't you go get into
drugs as well???". So... no.

But i guess what's really bothering me lately is this
constant and ongoing depression that seems to be
overhanging for me... Like, for a really long period of
time it'll go away, and then like when i have a bad week or
something it'll all come rushing back like winged ponies...
And i don't really understand it... I still haven't been
like "diagnosed" with depression or w/e, but i've done
enough research and heard enough about it that i can pretty
safely say that i think i do have some kind, if nothing
else then low-level depression. Which is what lawa started
out with, and if that's the path that i'm following... then
i'm scared. And sort of, in my own way, i've already
created my own path... because last year i wasn't really
sure of myself either. Seventh Grade at the beginning of
the year, i acted like a slut... For lack of a better word,
because that's what it was... I wanted to be all of
the "popular" guys's best friends, but lol, i wanted to be
MORE than that *winky winky*... and then i struck up this
friendship with molly... and she was so awesome, geez, she
still is... And she completely turned me around... Like
WHABOOM! Within a month, i was a completely different
person... But at that time, it wasn't an all good different
person... I was completely devoted to Christ and it was
awesome, but i still had... doubts. But then something
happened, i'm not really sure what, and i just started
becoming really depressed and suicidal and cutting and
angry all the time... and i became "punk" and "goth"...
now, i have NOTHING against punks and goths, in fact i'm
more comfortable associating with them then people who are
preppy... i dunno why... and so i started wearing all black
and spikes and stuff... I guess that's when the big fights
with my mom started happening... And like my parents were
really worried about me, and they showed it, but i just
wanted them to leave me alone... And also at the beginning
of the year, i cussed like every other word... And when i
met molly, i made this huge effort to stop completely...
And i'm really good about it now... Then my parents started
sending me to all these therapists and psychologists
and "learning helpers" or w/e you want to call them... That
annoyed me so much... I didn't need to tell some retarded
adult about my problems, that's why i had my friends and my
razorblades... And like... I still have scars...

And then 8th grade started... I had an awesome beginning of
the year, i had my best friends in two of my classes, i was
making so many new friends and i started liking this new
guy who was in three of my classes... From September to
November, things only went up... I had bad days now and
again, but it was a constant awesome streak... Somewhere in
there, i met monique by way of the locker room... and she
fell in love with me... and we're still really good
friends... no matter what happens between us, we always
make up... and as much as i attempt to convince myself at
times that i hate her, i don't because she's always there
for me and she has done so much for me... But something
happened in late november-early december, and i just
haven't been on that constant happy streak... Which is why
i think i'm falling back into that depression... And it
bums me out, because i was doing so good! From like May to
Late november... Almost 6 months!!! i dunno things went ok
i guess...

Around december of 2003, i met another molly... well, this
time it was a guy, and his name was james... But he whipped
me back to God and Church... and i can't help but thinking
now, how did i get so lucky as to recieve two complete and
total angels in my lifetime? He definitely must have a big
plan for my life if He was willing to pull me back to Him
twice... Multiple times actually... My faith has wavered
constantly... And i'm still wearing all black quite
frequently, i realized this the other day when i went for a
week without wearing anything but black... but now, for me,
black is symbolizing something different... Instead of hate
and anger and pissed-offedness... i'm not sure what it
means... but it's different... Without as much malice...
James has been such an awesome person to me... I called him
like two or three times right before, or after midnight...
And he picked up his phone and would talk to me... We
talked for hours on end... And i loved it... Now, when i
think i'm having so many issues in my life... he just
offers me positive words of reassurance and a bible verse
or two... Says, look at it positively, God has a plan for
your life and this all somehow works in... Everything he
does, everything he says is devoted to God... And he is the
person i wish i could be... I've tried so hard to start
reading the Bible frequently, one of the things that has
helped me on that are my [pretty much]daily bible verses in
my xanga... I've tried so hard to pray more, and with what
all has been going in my life, it's pretty easy to do more
of that... And i've been working a lot more church into my
life... I'm proud of the person that i've been able to
become again... But i'm afraid that this reoccuring
depression will rip me away from it once again... And i'm
working really hard against it...

But it's so nice to be able to sign on IM, or check my
email, and receive positive reassuring words from at least
one friend... And i know that i will always have at least
one guy on my side... And recently, i've been pulling my
friends back to church as well... It's kinda neat to think
about, because from what james and molly and all my other
really good christian friends have done for me, to what i'm
doing for my other friends... it's awesome. And like, New
year's eve, i got laura and cassy to come with me for the
party with my youth group that i ended up going to last
minute... and Craig's doing the famine with me... and even
though i haven't gotten Sid to church yet... I'm trying...
I'm proud of the person i am... for once... finally...

I love this feeling, and i need to find some way to be able
to keep it... But the last week, when i was having a really
bad string of days... I was suicidal and depressed.. it's
like the depression feeds off of my sucky days... I got so
overwhelmingly depressed on thursday that i cut again...
One, two, three little cuts... But I realized that i can't
take my life down that path again... there, so now you
know... No one knew, except for like my closest friends...
But now it's open for the public... I gotta pull up... It's
like an airplane doing a nosedive... The pilot knows that
if he doesn't pull the nose level with the rest of the
plane, everyone will go plummeting to their deaths... I
know that i have to pull out of this, i just haven't found
the right button yet...

So, with that... I'm gonna go sleep, because i'm sick...
Love you all,

1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out
fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who
fears is not made perfect in love."