2004-02-23 04:43:20 (UTC)

you say you understand, you'll never understand.

im tired of my pretty purple secret livejournal right now
that only two people know about. i missed the plain old
black and white i used for so long. i miss everything old,
even while i want everything new. im sick and my foot is
anyway, im thinking about her less. i pretty much gave up
when she said 'i dont want to be the bitch' in reference to
diana. i wanted to shake her and scream youre BEING the
fucking bitch to ME. but i didnt. no amount of screaming
and shaking will help her. so. fuck her. just like
everyone else. fuck em. i'll never be able to stop caring
about them or probably not even stop being their fucking
pushover, or whore, or whatever the case may be. but fuck
them, all the same. for not caring as much as i do.

i just want to help her and help her make her life
something worthwhile and love her and it makes me so angry
that her life is such a mess and i cant do anything. and
shes so stubborn.

you think you know how i feel but its so far beyond you.
you cant touch me because i exist layers below the surface
you see.
for every emotion i openly express, a thousand more explode
inside me.
my pain is on a level you could never reach.
your worst moments cannot compare to my best.
and you try to ignore the increasing number of wounds,
you try not to see the tears forming on the sides of my
you try not to hear the poorly masked desperation in my
you try for the sake of your -own- sanity.
because youre too fucking selfish to take a risk.
you think i dont -know- that it would be a risk?
stop fucking underestimating my intelligence.
i know exactly what game im playing.
what you dont get is the the single most important reason
why im crying,
you prove it to me more and more every day:
you will never know me well enough, to love me well