Ad 2:
2004-02-23 04:41:49 (UTC)

letter i made myself unsend. because im not a bitch.

you know.
i just need to tell you.. because right now, im having a
lot of rage. and i try to for the most part keep shit to
myself and keep my mouth shut, and maybe i dont do a good
enough job of that, but i try really damn hard. but im not
going to try anymore right now, because IM having to deal
with this shit and i dont see why you shouldnt have to.

im really mad right now, because i was trying to talk to
matt about why you're not getting hours, and i got all
pissed off at him, and i just. it's interfering. how i
feel is interfering in so many fucking ways. its
interfering with a job i love, its interfering with every
fucking minute of my day when im thinking about it, or
crying about it, or wasting time trying to help you,
WASTING time because you dont LET ME.

right now, im mad. because i don't think you're trying,
you know, or you're not trying hard enough. i didn't have
to sign up for a fucking night class. it's fucking
inconvienient, okay? and i did it so that i could help
you. and i go at least an hour early, so that i can help
you. and i paid for it, because you didnt have the money
(why? because you pay her rent). and i spend a lot of time
looking at jobs for you, that you dont even call.

all i fucking know, is that months ago, i said it would be
easier for me to not see you anymore. and you had to write
that email to me, and say you love me and shit you never
had or have the balls to say, and fucking make me change
my mind, and end up getting you a job with me and a class
with me. and when i got that email, i was so fucking
happy, yes, i was glad you sent it, rather than just
saying 'fuck it'... but. god damn it. it would have
fucking been easier. and i look foward to when i see you.
im happy when im around you, even though i know that you
only have time when im helping you. but im 10 times more
unhappy, when im not.

everything in your life that you're fucking up, and im
tired of pretending like you're not, i could help you
change these things. i could fucking help you and you just
wont let me and you dont know how frustrating that is. i
offered you an opportunity that would have fixed every
single thing that's wrong and stressful about your life, i
wanted to help you get out of debt, unfuck your credit, get
through school so you can get a job you LIKE and would
actually CARE about and keep, and have someplace you would
be HAPPY to come home to meanwhile only working one job,
and you flat turned me down, to keep busting your ass and
fucking up to live with her. tell me, please, how that
SHOULD make me feel? i have been killing myself trying to
help you, while meanwhile fucking crying every single
fucking night and every single fucking time you walk away
and trying to not fucking show it around you, and every
fucking day saying 'im guna be okay with it today' but then
when youre near me i just cant make myself leave, you have
to practically force me out of the car or wherever, because
i KNOW the fucking feeling that is coming...

you dont want anything i could give you. you'd rather sit
there and continue fucking shit up while that fat ass whore
continues to use you and make your life miserable. i can't
do anything fucking else. there is absolutely nothing else
i could do. when i care this much, i expect it to make a
difference. when i try this hard, i expect it to matter.

so i'll go. i'll fucking MAKE myself go rather than sit
here and keep feeling like this and you dont even care. i
know that i might be crazy, and i know i might be
difficult, and i know im not the cutest girl in the world
and im not perfect. but i am someone who would do fucking
anything for you, who wants you to be successful, who
wants you to feel loved, who wants you to be happy. and
you dont want it.

and thats fine. all i want is for you to tell me that. i
dont want to hear any more bullshit about 'this is the only
thing i can do' or 'i dont want to be the bitch' because

youre BEING the fucking BITCH to ME, i dont GIVE A FUCKING
FUCK ABOUT HER, is that CLEAR yet? but clearly YOU DO. so
TELL ME. TELL ME you dont care. TELL ME you dont love
me. TELL ME you dont want it. be fucking straight with me.

and then i will fucking leave.

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