Remma

hurt learn choose love

You made me sad. You made me cry. You hurt me every time
you made me happy. I hurt because I couldn't be with you. I
hurt because you wouldn't let yourself admit you loved me.
I hurt because I wouldn't let myself let go of the dream of
being with you. I hurt because I fell for someone like you.
I hurt because I constructed a happy illusory life with you
and the reality of you made it all come crashing down. I
wish you hadn't made me happy. I wish I hadn't cared for
you. I wish I hadn't wasted those years caring for you and
knowing you cared for me too, but knowing that it would
never happen. I knew you too well, and you staved off
moving on too well. It was never meant to be. I guess I was
really wrong about that one.

But the good news is that I'm moving on. Every day it gets
a little easier to think of you without closing my eyes and
feeling your my hand in yours, your lips on mine. Every day
it gets a little easier to forget how much I loved you and
how much you loved me. Even if you did lie about it. You
tried too hard to cover it up, and I could tell. Others
would ask me about you. They still do. And I know they
think it's sad that we never worked out, but at the same
time, they have always seen what I am learning to--that I
cannot sit and wait patiently for you to want to enjoy your
life again and let yourself be happy. They know as well as
I do that the time has come for me to close your chapter in
my life and see what amazing adventures are yet to come.

The other day, I met someone. The moment we met, I felt a
connection--as though he actually really understood me and
somehow cared for me already, even though he barely knew
me. He has a girlfriend, so I'm not going to be pursuing
that relationship. But I guess the thing I want to tell you
is that you haven't ruined me for all guys. That time we
spoke, you said you were worried that I would think badly
of all guys because of what you did. That is not the case.
I found it remarkably egotistical of you to say that at the
time; now I see that you knew what you were talking about.
It's the same thing that has happened with you, isn't it?
She ruined you for all other girls, no matter how amazing
they are or how much they just fit the gap in your soul. I
hurt over you for a while, and I will continue to hurt over
you for years, in some small way, I am sure. But you have
not turned me off to all guys.

I choose to be happy. I choose life, and love, and all of
the good things that you have for so long refused yourself.
There are still guys out there who choose to care and
choose to invest love and life into others. There are still
girls like that, too. I only hope that someday you can
realize that for yourself, because at this point, I am
hurting more for what you are refusing yourself than for
the pain you have caused me. Perhaps that's truly what love
is all about. If that's true, then I still do love you. I
still do want the best for you in life and in everything. I
hope you find love. I hope someone out there chooses to
fill that need that you refuse to admit you have. I hope
she doesn't let you run away.

I hope I keep moving on. I hope I find someone who I really
connect with, someone who gets me, someone who thinks I am
worth the effort. Someone who really wants to be with me
enough that he will not let the chance pass him by even if
he is scared out of his wits. Someone who will go the
distance. I will love him tremendously and he will love me
back. And we will be happy. No, that's not the word. We
will be content. Surreal-ly blissful. Until I do, I will be
fine. I am a single girl in a campus town, working my way
out of the boxes everyone has put me in for so long. I am a
person of worth, of ambition, of ideals, and of adventure.
I am doing great. And I couldn't ask for any more than
that. :)