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2004-02-22 02:55:34 (UTC)

walking in the past

A week ago today my cousin killed herself. Her husband of
ten years left her and told her he was taking her kids. He
said he would get them too because she has a brain tumor.
She talked him into going out with her on valentines day
and at dinner they got into a huge argument and she sped
off without him. They said the speedometer broke at 110
mph. They found her car wrapped around some trees and she
was DOA. She and I were only 9 months apart and we used to
be best friends. I quit going around because her husband
gave me the creeps. I knew he was cheating on her, but I
didn't have the heart to tell her.

When I was 12 I moved into town only a block from her
house. We used to hang out from sun up to sun down. We
even liked the same guy. I didn't mind, I was never really
jealous of her time with him. I did want him all to myself
but sharing him with her was better than not having him at
all. Whenever she was out of town he and I would hook up.
Not in a sexual way I had just turned 13 and he was 17. I
believe if he would have asked me I would have ran away
with him.

Ah! Those were my young and wild days. I used to take out
early in the morning and just walk all over town. I'd stop
at a pay phone and call Scott and he would come out. A
couple of times I got the impression he wanted to be with
me, but there was just one nagging problem. My older
brother....If you think dads are bad about their daughters
then you should have experienced my older brother.

Many nights when I sit here alone in this big house, while
husband #2 is away at his on site job, I think about
Scott. I wander where he is , is he happy?, and does he
ever think of me?

I think that more than longing for Scott, I am just longing
for the girl I used to be when I knew him...and now that
Tina is gone I couldn't talk about those days even if I
wanted to because she is the only one who knew the real me
back in the day.

Those days seem so far from me now, they will never come
back around but I sure do smile whenever I think about them.

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