James

Comprehension of life itself.
2004-02-22 01:02:37 (UTC)

feb. 21...what a long two days its been

Well, have you ever had a group of people turn to you for
help but you cant do anything to help? That happened to me
yesterday. Now, 3 people are pissed at me for not being
able to. Everyone seems to turn to me to sort out their
problems not thinking if i have any of my own. im tired of
being the all knowing james. im tired of being the one
that everyone turns to when a tiny thing bad happens to
them. "oh james...i dont know what to do. my boyfreind
broke up with me cuz he says we got into too many fights."-
Amanda "james, why doesnt robbie understand how i feel. i
never think about myself and neither does anyone else. im
always thinking of everyone else...i dont talk to someone
unless i know they dont have problems"-Akira WELL GUESS
WHAT I DO HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS! i got the worst of them.
they all live their happy fucking lives and when someone
doesnt understand them they get all sad and start bitching
at me about it. but im the one with the depression. they
dont have to be put on pills for those every day
occurences. I AM! i am forced to take artificial happiness
because of how bad off i am. but noone realizes it. ive
only turned to a select few people to talk to....TO TALK! i
didnt expect them to help and put my life in their hands.
i simply told them what was wrong with me when they asked.
i am able to cover it up. barely anyone knows whats going
on in my head and those who do..offer their help but i
refuse it cuz i dont want pity. i just want to be left
alone to sort out my own problems. but i cant do that cuz
everyone dumps theirs on me.

anyways, yesterday-akira called me and told me some story
about how robbie hit her. then i called daniel and he told
me something totally different then that. he said that he
just pushed her. then they accused her of turning everyone
robbie to make herself look better. but they were doing
the SAME thing. they dont even know what really happened
so how could they do that. well, akira started bitching at
me for not believing her. then robbie started his shit cuz
i didnt beleive him. then amanda started her shirt cuz i
didnt believe either of them cuz i wasnt there. im hearing
two totally different stories and i dont know which is
true. how could i? i was seriously regretting becoming
their freinds. this is why i dont hang out with people.
because they put their shit on mine.

Well, that night was somewhat better. i was able to hang
out with my freind Ty. we got kinda drunk. i dont
remember what happened. i doubt anything did. i HIGHLY
doubt it. knowing me...nothing happened. im not gonna put
my "talking" with khres in jeopardy. Yep, im talking to a
new guy. he's really cool and energetic. he's kinda like
me except with out all the problems. but soon enough my
problems will be over. woohoo. im so close to finally
having my life put together again. this journal has helped
alot. its helped me to look over whats been going on and
realize some of this shit that didnt even matter.

As soon as m y problems are over, i knwo ill be someoen
totally different. i wont have my spells of tears. i wont
have my down times. i cant wait. maybe i can even find a
way to pass the school year. im kinda failing english and
i already know theirs no way to pass that class...but the
others i might have a shot at. i just cant miss school and
i GOT to do my work. no more skipping and no more being
lazy. i get my head right..then i get my life right. you
know?

Well, today....today was kind of a bust. nothing to do all
day. got home from Ty's and crashed on the couch. ive had
to deal with my brother and his ex's arguing all day. ive
just kinda ignored the two of them. id rather not deal
with it. but tonight im spose to be gettinga fake ID and
going to the clubs. woohoo! lol if Khres would ever
call. :( i dont think he will. to tell ya the truth. but
im hoping.

I found out my brother's going to the Linkin
Park/Hoobastank concert in Greensboro. This is the same
concert ive been begging to go to. the same concert i
would kill to go to. i LOVE hoobastank. they are my fav.
band. well hopefully i can convince my father to give me
45 dollars for a ticket and then ill just get a ride with
my brother. my dad owes me that much since he hasnt helped
at all to send me to chicago for a week.

well i feel alot better. im gonna go and call my dad for
the money now. ill talk to you later.

JaMeS




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