wahat i thought
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2004-02-21 21:06:42 (UTC)

wat all happened

my sister hung ot wit a kid all the time.he always came
over and i was inmy glory since i secretly liked him alot.
my bestest frend in the whole whole was also frends with
him. umfortunatly i wanst frends wit him..i was just kay's
lil sister and alicia's frend.then he died. i didnt kno wat
to think. whether to cry, or hide it like i do with
everything else, or wat to do.i kno my frend was really
upset they had been frends for many years. i knew i should
really try to comfort her but.. i dint kno how or wat to
say so wen i tried....she got angry at me and it seemed like
wenever i said sumthing to her she got more and more angry
at i gave up then i realized i didnt want to give up
because she is my best frend. so anyways i couldnt go tot
he funeral or wake because i never went to one before and
if i didnt go that would mean that he was really dead and i
didnt want that. so the daay after the funeral i heard that
he looked really bad and stuff from all the maedication so
wen i tried to tell my frend how i felt (how i am glad that
i didnt go to the funeral because seein him like that would
really scare me)she snapped at me again but soon she told
me she wasnt mad at me anymore and it felt like all thuis
weight was commin off my shoulders till i noticed she still
wasnt talking to me so i figured i would talk to my other
frend and ask her if she knew y my best frend is still mad
at me but wen she asked her she told her that if i really
cared i would ask her did and then she snapped
at me again and it hurt even more. then i noticed how my
sister and alicia were all buddy buddy and that just
crushed me. i came home and just cried my two favorite
people in my life both abandoned me in a matter of a month.
finally my frend wrote back in the notebook and she
apolagized and i was really happy we were gettin along
again fro thaqt whole day then the next day she wasnt in
lunch and then in one of my classes sumine told me that in
the hallway sum1 said "why is alicia so grumpy" and then i
kinda figured she was mad at me again and not tellin me. so
i imed her online and she didnt answer them and agian it
hurt. so then i read my frends online diary7 and it just
says that she gave up on our frendship and that she losy
two frends...that hurt more than u could imagine. it feels
like my world is falling apart.she wrote that i always
thought my lie was worse that hers and didnt care....i did.
i did think my life was prettyt bad wen my older sister
left. we were really close. she promised she wopuld never
leave me ..ansd then she did.she promised she would still
hang wit me ...never did.....and wen she finally did..she
brought her boyfrend and i felt left out in the dust. all
teh did was hang on each other while i walked around
looking like a lost puppy. then she finally comes over and
a fight breaks out between her and my parents....and she
brings me into it but once again i just bite my lip and
bottle it all up inside. then she comes over the next day
again and again she brings me into it so i went and told
her wat i really felt and that i hate her which i really
did at the time. i was so sick of her constant lying and me
being nice and covering for her so she didnt get in
trouble. i was so sick of seeing her cut herself and not
being able to tell anyone.i was so sick of seeing her smoke
and get high(killing herself)and not being able to to
anything about it. and i astill remeber the one day wen we
were walking intothe playground and she offered me
hurt my own sister letting me down like that.but anywayz
back to my frend...she knew how i felt about my sister
moving and she did agree and tehm after matt died wen i saw
her being all buddy buddy wit here it just hurt..really
bad. i feel like i lost my two most important things in the
world and i just want them back.