2004-02-21 20:20:03 (UTC)

i closed my eyes and typed my heart

trying to come to terms with not knowing where we are..
where are you .. have you ever felt free when you reached
for me..will i ever get my questions acceptably
answered.. i'll be walking past the black walls and you
stop ..just look at me and you'll smile or sometimes you
just freeze your face into concentration and just stare at
me so much my face can't handle it anymore and i have to
twist away before i get hypnotized and walk up to you and
just reach for you to hold me tight or maybe rest my soft
lips upon yours and what do u mean when you look at me
like that... what are you trying to say.. i can't believe
it if you don't mean anything by it.. sometimes i just
need you so bad.. i just feel lost without you.. i feel
without a friend in the world when you aren't there in
case i need you to come around..i know that sounds selfish
but i'm not keeping it in for me.. i dont have to have
words i just need the confirmation that you need me..
maybe i do need words.. or maybe i just need you to call
me over and not let me leave ..if you've figured that out
even.. i don't always know if i just want to be close
enough to lean against you or if i want your affections
deeper.. i just know i need you and i'm lost when we're
too far away.

- written for the one other human my soul is crying for
right now for a friendship that runs so deep for me that i
am so grateful for to the point i am so scared to go away
and don't know if i can handle being hours away even if we
didn't talk every day just so life could be bearable.

despite what i may come off as sometimes
that is real up there
that is not just this minute
that is every minute
that is at least months
that has been growing for years
that has changed over the years
that is me

I love you more than
i can compare to anything else.

i just reread that and my heart squeezed and my eyes
watered up at the truth of that.

I am scared I won't deny that
but there are things worth being scared for
and you're worth more than holding back.