listen to my silences
2004-02-20 15:06:51 (UTC)

i miss you.

i never should have gotten into this agreement with you.
something's wrong, and you won't talk to me about it, and
it's driving me nuts. how is anything supposed to work or
last if the problems aren't talked about. and maybe it has
nothing to do with me, but how would i know considering you
don't talk to me at all about anything. go ahead, say i'm
the same way, but when was the last time you asked me if i
was okay or if i needed to talk? i ask all the time. at
least i can't lie to you if you never ask. i hate being
lied to.

we were supposed to do stuff today. just hang out or
whatever. but instead, you're doing that stuff with him.
i don't know why i'm so surprised and hurt, but i am. i
wanted to lock the door behind you instead of asking if you
had your keys. i figured you didn't. i should have locked
it behind you. let you see how it feels to be locked out
of somewhere you belong. but that would just give you
something else to stay quiet and boiling inside about. if
i hadn't asked, then it would have been your fault for not
taking your keys. cause let me tell you i love being here
by myself with the door unlocked. makes me feel real safe
and secure.

don't even start with me about the dishes. i'm just
waiting for you to say something. it's not my turn. this
past weekend was, yes. but the weekend before was yours
and you didn't do them. so you can do them this time. and
i know when you do say something it will be in front of
someone, him probably. and anything you say in front of
someone else especially him will be seen as golden because
they'll hear your side, not mine. i don't even hear your
side. how fair is that?

you still aren't here for me. the times i've needed
someone the most you're gone. i don't know that you do it
on purpose. but it hurts that you never ask. that you
never seem to care about me. you say i'm your best
friend. prove it. prove that you need me and you care and
you want me around.

everyday i get further from myself. and the only way i can
get back is if those that know me pull me back. but they
can't do that if they ignore me.

maybe you don't know me. maybe you never did. he listens
to me more than you do, and you're the one who's with him.
why i even come home sometimes is beyond me. it really
is. would you even know if i didn't? would you care? and
if you did care, would it be because no one would cover
your ass anymore when it came time for bills?

i'd like to show you what it's like to be left behind,
deserted. and it feels like you do it on purpose. i hope
that you don't. but i wouldn't know since you don't talk
to me. and i am trying to open up to you. it's hard when
you don't ask. which is why i do ask.

you told me that if you had problems again that you
wouldn't go to someone else this time. i'm pretty sure
that you've gone to someone else. and i understand why you
would go to him. but you need to come to me too. cause he
can't fix something that's not his problem. maybe you'll
let him try, but i'm not going to let him succeed.

maybe i'll just keep telling myself there's only ten months

i'm just waiting for the day you say you want to break the
lease so that you two can move in together. or ask me if
he can be on the lease. i don't know what i'd say to the
latter. i know i wouldn't be comfortable with it. but
he's over here all the time anyways he may as well pay
rent. i do know that i don't want anyone else's name on
the lease. but i don't want to break it either.

i probably wouldn't break it. i'd find a roommate or find
some way to afford it until the lease was up. not for the
sake of your credit, but for mine. and i don't want to
hurt yours.

this money thing is getting ridiculous. i know you got
paid yesterday. i haven't asked yet how much. but i
will. because you have to start paying me back. you owe
me a whole lot of money. a whole lot. and i have bills
too. but i can't expect you to not be selfish or
understand can i? no, that would be selfish of me.

final thought: i miss you.