articwolf

MY Feelings
2004-02-20 09:07:09 (UTC)

My feelings and thoughts of the day

Dear Self,

understand these r all my probemls don't get mad before
u read this understand this is how i feel these r my
problems just talk no getting mad. I'd like to start off by
saying. This last past year seemed to be hopless. Then i
was picked up finnaly november 25th 2003. I just moved to
elko in agust it was really had making new friends and
starting off new. But i found a job and I'm just now
starting to make it. I working on getting a new job for
myself cuz Burger king is a Joke to work for. they hardley
ever give u hours and screw u over at points. I have a
boyfreind but iots really hard. we fight all the time. I'm
not sure how to feel . it seems to me its his way or no
way. even my freinds notice it. He starts to control me in
ways he' says he just protecting from the world form ever
hurting me the way it has. He can't always be there to
protect me he can't just shelter me from the world like he
tries to. I love him so very much. I feel that i have grown
afraid of him to even talk to him cuz every time I let
myse;f a little go he bites my head off alot. evey thing
get's on his nerves he has a anger Problem a mighty big one
he can't control. He say's he working on controling it but
every day it seems to get worse. When i let him into my
past and i let him in he tells me i say the same thing over
and over again i only do cuz it get's the pain outta me. I
know this may be confusing and hard to understand. i
honestly dont know what to do he gives me guilt trips all
the time like one insdent for example " every time i get
online i'm ignoring him but its okay for him to get on and
ignore me. and then when i give him my opion on anything
its wrong.. everything he says is right i'm always wrong.
He thinks he knows everything. I'm 20 and i been to school
for half the shit he know's. (a year) i've had animals all
my life. There my world my life. they make me happy and
I've read and studied and worked hard for all the
information i know now. his actions tell me all the time
that i'm just not good enough. I wish he could understand
me. and acept me for me. instead of trying to change me. i
really don't think he even knows he dose this to me.Like i
said before he gives me a guilt trip makes me feel all bad.
like " he not good enough every one is right. he makes
everything my fault. I blame my self alot for everything he
says. he tells me all the time he was ment to be alone and
he always comapring me to an x he has no faith and trust in
me at i fear the worst for our realtionship and i don't
know how to fix things right now i beeen thinking alot
about it. But i care to much to hurt him cuz i do love him
weather he has all these problems or not. i love him for
the nice things i wish he open up and let all his pain out
to me bue he so shut tight he won't let me in and it sucks
monkey balls. it hurts cuz he won't let me in and he always
mad at me sometimes i wonder if i'm just a peice of ass i
don't know what to do to make him happy but to bend over
backwords and play good bitch. unless he tells me oher
wise. I hope he reads this maybe it will make him think
that i love him and he dosen't need to have anger anymore
cuz i'm here to make that all goaway. but we will see if he
truly loves me i hope we can solve all our probems threw
this online diray writing all our feelings down in one
peice comming to compermises and hopfully not lose what we
have now.. what i think we have now anyway i think its
speical. I feel torn from my past and my new life now it
ight be better but then again its worse. Now that my hill
has hit bottom my only way to go is up now. " his best
freind loves him he his best freind and my as weell he
might know more about me but my man has my love forver. I
wish he would listen and undertsand me yes i have ADD is
where my brain is slow and takes me forever to respond to
ppl its justthey way always been u have to sit in my face
unfortainly my brain can't do two things at one i think i
need my ears check i've noticed i can't here very well. i
know pregant 2 i eat like a horse and i'm nervous and
tense. I have alot to get over with sex 2 cuz i have been
raped twice they both hurt and its an reaction my body just
has i tense up and i can't realx onday u otta try just
relaxing me just cudding back message kissses making out
necking slow stuff lets slow down in the realion ship and
try to get to know eachother so what if i say no once in
awhile or i don't feel like going somewhere one day but u
know I will get it done' if your patiant enough. But I
REALLLY hate it when u say i rushing so i want to go
somewhere big deal dude I like going places i'm not rushing
u to go. its not like i figgen down your throat for it i
just say i want to go... when i get going i'll go now its
your turn i do love u and i want to work out everything now
okay cuz your my best freind and my lover okay. love u
write back




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