Too Much to Say
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2004-02-20 01:33:26 (UTC)

Our Lord is a jealous God

"You deserted the Rock, who fathered you; you forgot the
God who gave you birth." ~Deut. 32:18

i was listening to josh groban the other night as i
was reading The Purpose Driven Life, and this one song came
on that i've always loved. It's basically a guy singing to
his ex about how she cheated on him and then left, and why
he stopped fighting for her. I've always been touched by
the song, but it suddenly had a different meaning. i saw
it as a song from God to me. and it broke my heart,
because i realized how much i had broken his. i cheated on
him with so many things. i pulled away for so long, that
he finally just let me go. i was so mad for so long
because i couldn't feel him anywhere! i was mad at God for
letting me go! but that's what i wanted, wasn't it? and
now i understand how much it hurt him to let go, let me
find things out the hard way. these are the lyrics, and i
know a lot of them don't actually apply, it's just the
whole concept.

"tell me his name i want to know
the way he looks, and where you go
i need to see his face
i need to understand
why you and i came to an end

tell me again i want to hear
who broke my faith in all these years
who lays with you at night while i'm here all alone
wondering when i was your own

i let you go
i let you fly
why do i keep on asking why
i let you go
now that i've found a way to keep some how
more than a broken vow

tell me the words i never said
show me the tears you never shed
give me the touch, the one you promised to be mine
or has it vanished for all time?

i'd give away my soul to hold you once again
and never let this promise end!

i let you go!
i let you fly..."

i cheated on him. i cheated with alcohol, selfishness,
pride, and most applicable to the song, men. boys have
been my focus for as long as i can remember, and not
necessarily in bad ways. it's just the one thing i've
constantly put before God. most of the time unknowingly.
i had to let go. i stopped reaching for them, stopped
chasing, and for the past couple days i've felt so much
peace and freedom. i'm trusting in God's perfect timing.
and it's not just a decision i made the other day, hoping
to stick to. it's a decision i have to make every morning,
sometimes every hour.

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