bigDaddy

cruel intentions
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2004-02-19 06:11:52 (UTC)

post-valentine depression

damn. valentines was great. i think that essentially, we
used each other. i wanted it and she wanted it. i gave her
a hicky on purpose to see her reaction...

she did not want it. she frantically got rid of it in 24
hours! the next day when i saw her when she picked up our
daughter, she acted like nothing happened, man i sound like
a woman!

she doesn't even want to converse with me fo even 30
seconds. the next day(monday) was her b-day. i called her
around 3pm to see if she wanted to have lunch with me.

she said yes so we went to eat jap food. she conversed with
me about drinking and some stuff like her wanting a tatoo.
she showed me the designs she wanted...

we caught a cab right after and she didn't even talk to me
the whole way (up to knight street bridge). i tried to
start several conversations but to no avail. she asked if i
had the house keys; i lied and said that i didn't coz i
didn't want to give them up. anyhow, i could see through
her scheme. she just doesn't want to let me have acces to
the house. man, am i paranoid.

today is wednesday, i am really stressed with school work.
my brain just doesn't want to work today.

i'm feeling really depressed. is this just an ongoing
cycle? i get depressed, then i sleep with her then i feel a
little happ coz she says "i love you" and shit but then a
couple days later, she acts like she doesn't know me.

i recently took PBS2 and it taught me all about non-verbal
language. wut i've learned from that and applying it to
this situation is that she doesn't want to do anything with
me at all. she even said herself when i asked her how she
loves me (in what way - deeply, platonic...) she said "more
than a friend".

i'm feeling pretty hurt right now. i keep denying what is
right in front of me: this person does not like me or want
me n her life in any manner.

several ppl have told me that she must have found a guy
already or else she would come back to me; other ppl said to
me that i know her and following that logic, that i think i
do, well, she wouldn't sleep with me if she had started
seeing a guy. but that has yet to be proven...

i thought of a way to see if she is at all looking - check
out live links. she's been using it coz she says it's for
work...i just need to set up my greeting and everything.

but am i ready to face the truth? wut will i do if i find
out that she is looking? wut if her greeting is vague
(non-implicative) which she can be?

fuck!!! i hate this paranoia.

i know that all signs point to the answer i fear, why won't
i face it? because i am in this vulnerable position? yes,
but don't i appreciate the truth so much???

dammit.

someone told me that she's just going through this crazy
stage, and this person had gone through it herself. a
couple of ppl told me i just need patience, but i don't want
her to come back to me after being used by other guys???!!!

or is that the sign of true love: martyrdom, care, patience,
turning the blind eye as they say...

do i become the waiting bf, loving and caring till the end?
or do i become the cruel bitter man that never wants to be
related to her at all, practically disowning the mere
thought that i knew her. but that would damage my
relationship with maya and maya's relationship with her mom
and me. eventually destroying us all.

but going the "loving" route will surely destroy me, eating
me up from the inside out...

fuck to complicate things my first love is calling me and i
think she wants to hook up.

the end for now

p.s. olga wrote a letter to me and adressed me as arvin, not
baby.


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