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2004-02-19 02:59:48 (UTC)

Putting an end to it

I am really weird. My behavior and my attitude are both
fucked up and I keep trying to blam it on other things.
All today at school I was fine, I was actually happy and
me and Jacky were getting along great. Then school got out
and I was so happy that the parking lot wasn't crowded.
Then I got to Jacks house and for some reason I went
weird. I don't even know why but I felt pissed off and I
couldn't control it. I wasn't mad at Jack, although I
probley pretended I was. I was just... mad. I think I may
have a personality disorder, or depression and something.
Somethings fucked up and I don't remember being this way
until recently. I know it hurts Jacks feeling when I act
this way but HONESTLY I can't help it. I don't know why I
am acting the way I act when I'm doing it or afterwards. I
was only at Jacks house for a couple of minutes and then I
came home to a wonderfuly empty house and just did what I
wanted for about an hour and a half. Then my mom and
brother got home and sometime between then and Jack
comming over I just got mad agian. Then I was pissed off
at everybody. My mom, my dad, my brother and Jack all made
me mad. God knows why I act this way. I wish I could
change it. I wonder if it's my diet or the fact that I
NEVER get any alone time or that I haven't had sex in
weeks or that me and Jack talk about intamicy all the time
but I rarely get it or hundreds of other things for are
the slightest bit off in my life. That right there is what
I'm talking about. This whole thing is my fault and I keep
trying to blame it on everything else. I should do better.
I have no reason to complain about anything and all I do
is bitch and make the peoples lives around me shittyer.
The worst part was about the time I had to make dinner for
the second night in a row. I made Jack sad and he went
downstairs and then I came down a minute later, got out
the carb filled potatoes and when my mom asked if I wanted
some help all of my feeling flew away. Just like that. I
was happy Sambo agian. Maybe it's not as bad as I make it
out to be but eaither way I need to stop. I think this
diary will be a good thing for me. If I write about how I
feel about this and what I should and shoudn't do
hopefully it will catch up to me and I can work on making
everything better, for everybody. Deal. Thats what I'll
do. Make things better. Promise. **Changing Subject
Alltogether** The seniors that were graduating early
graduated today. I'm not really close friends, or any kind
of friend for that reason, with any of them so it wasn't
sad for me. Issac and Matt decided to be really immature
and shit in the sink in the guys bathroom befor they left
for a stupid senior prank I guess. It was terribly
immature and I'm glad Jack didn't have anything to do with
it. I wonder why guys have such a obsession with their own
asses. Then.. as the bell rang for Issac to get out of
school he threw about a million tiny pieces of paper in
the hall. Another mess for the janitiors to clean up,
sounds like that was his goal for the day. I would have to
say - check plus on pissing off the janitors. Good Job big
senior boy.