listen to my silences
2004-02-18 20:49:33 (UTC)

avoidance issues

i hate looking for jobs. i have been to so many places
today. pretty much everywhere except restaurants. i'm
trying to avoid those. but if it comes to it that's where
i'll go. i have a possibility with kohl's. i don't know
if i would have to quit k-mart if i went there. i don't
want to quit k-mart. i love working there and the people i
work with. but i have to have more hours than what they're
giving me. so i guess if it meant i'd have to quit then i
would. if i can get full time then i'm going to take it.
i'd be working nights which has its advantages and
disadvantages both. i think i'd like it. but i'm learning
to not get my hopes up. so...i'll keep looking tomorrow...

yesterday wasn't as progressive as i had hoped it would
be. my fault. i didn't open up. i want to say i tried,
but i can't. because i'm afraid to try. i'm afraid to
talk. i don't know why. okay, that was a lie. i do know
why. but it's stupid so i pretend that there must be
another reason i just don't know what it is. confused
yet? yeah, me too.

i'm so tired. but then again i'm not. i'm not sleepy
tired as much as i am tired of life. well, things in life
i mean. i hate being alone. and it's worse now after
knowing what it is to be loved, really loved.

sometimes i wonder if he did.

i mean, i know he did. but how does something that strong
go change? i guess i have to ask myself that too. i know
why and how it did for me. because it had to. did i do
something that made it so that he had to?

i'm not just talking about brandon.

but this isn't important right now. i have some things i
need to do to be ready for the fall. and i have to leave
for work soon. so enough of this.

compared to some situations, this isn't important anyways.

final thought: you can't convince me of something i don't
want to believe