robertncheek

Finding Nirvana
2004-02-18 10:09:40 (UTC)

Getting a dose of my own medicine.

So I spent another nite over with my fav ladies just
hanging out and talking. Gave some advice that I realized
I should take myself. Thus the title of this entry. But
I'll get back to that.
I dropped Dan off at JFK tonite at around 6. He was
taking a flight out to the UK for a week trip to see his
friends who are studying there this semester. I don't know
what it is about the airport that I don't like but I
always get the same feeling. I think its because the
airport always signifys goodbyes for me. I never really go
and pick people up, but I am always there dropping them
off. So its prob just classical conditioning. But even
tonite, I got a lil choked up as I pulled away. We have to
say goodbye to people too often,even though I know he'll
be back in like 5 days and that he's gunna have a blast, I
wish that never had to say goodbye.
Ok, its 4 AM and I'm hanging out in my room and having
a conversation about the journal as I write in it. lol
Just seems peculiar to me. I write as my suitemate Mark
plays these beautiful peices on the guitar. Life is just a
series of moments so you gotta embrace and enjoy every
good one. More advice I gave that I should take. A note on
Mark, we were just talking about how he enjoyed the
journal and I got a response from him that really tells
why I spend time writing this. Anyway, he enjoyed it and
he replied so he's doing more then the rest of you :-D
Also, I'm loving his shaved head. He did the mohawk for
the 80s party but now he has taken the mohawk off and its
just really low. It looks like it fits him.
Only bad news of the nite, classes start tom and I have
to get up sooo early for my 6:00 PM FIRST CLASS lol.
Bethany hates me for it. One note on Bethany too while
she's in my mind. She wants to take our relationship to a
new level...physically lol. Cracked up at that but I luv
that girl and I understood. She has become/is/and
hopefully will be for a long time, one of my best friends.
OK, now to the business of the entry. I had promised
this girl an entry about her. I had promised a look into
my mind about a whole situation. So here it is. This came
about because I gave some advice and said that it's always
better just to get everything out, so I guess its about
time to do that. So awhile back I met a really cool girl.
She was kinda a bitch...ok she was a huge bitch but once
she got a lil liquored up she could be pretty cool. I'm
joking of course, about the liquor not the bitch, but she
reminded me of a good friend of mine from HS, some of you
know her, Sara. Those who do will connect the bitch and
the name and understand. Anyway, Sara is bitchy in an
endearing kinda way so I connected the two and thought
maybe this girl was worth the time to talk to.
And talk to her I did. In fact, I proposed to her that
first nite lol. JACK DANIEL'S WAS INVOLVED, GET OFF ME!
lol of course I also proposed to other people. Anyway, she
apparently though I was trying to get to her roommate
which I wasn't because honestly I thought she was hotter
anyway. I'll be honest, at first, I thought I would try,
well like put some effort into trying to make something of
it. So we started hanging out and we became friends. Then
I learned that she had a b/f so I wrote that off and kinda
made peace with being friends with a really hot, really
cool girl who I was kinda into, but I guess we ahve to do
that sometimes. Some time passed and before we went on
break some things happened that were surprising, but good
and that I enjoyed. Anyway, afterward I got a weird vibe
from her almost like she regretted it and we had been
drinking although not for a while by that point. Anyway,
she assured me she didn't remember most of it and she was
fine. Later, she would tell me that in fact she did
remember, and that she didn't regret it. The weirdness of
this talk would feed the following. So again, being
honest, I though well, this isn't HS, not like it was
different for me anyway, these girls are older, more
mature and maybe we could have something that was more
than friends but not more serious. Ya know. Anyway, I
quickly realized that this was not to be the case.
However, the problem resides in my frustration to this
fact. I don't want to sound conceded or make the girl that
I'm discussing seem like less or anything but, in my past
I have taken another girl that I just met, who was a
virgin no less and after three months had an "encounter"
with her. Then I'm left in this situation where there had
been a start with a girl and then to have it not go any
farther is so frustrating. This frustration turned into,
well, sort of a crush. I'm being honest. I got lost in it
and it was a crush. So, I don't know how long that lasted
but it was much longer than I'd ever admit lol. So anyway
since then there have been many phases.
What happened is that I got that whole crush thing out
of my head and attacked the problem as I would anything
else. Those of you who know me definately understand what
I mean. I become what they want. Yes Ron, I am an asshole
and such a skeezy guy...w/e. So I had a couple convos with
her and tried to figure the easiest way. I tried
EVERYTHING. Nothing broke down this girl. So wut happened?
I got pulled in deeper. It didn't make sense, none of it.
Things weren't going the way they were supposed to. They
weren't going the way they always did. The confusion fed
confusion until I finally gave up. She never showed me the
same side. I didn't know who she really was and I couldnt
adapt fast enough. So I though well maybe its time for me
to come out,the real me, if there is such a thing. Well
that didn't work either.
I had a realization a while ago that, and its going to
sound wierd but, we're like really good, old friends or
like a divorced couple or something. We can hang out and
have a good time and not worry about things happening. We
can annoy each other and drive each other crazy and still
be cool enough to just hang out and talk or watch a movie
and it be completely comfortable. And I think thats the
best way to be.
Now what do I think,really think, since she asked me. I
think that shes a beautifull girl that doesn't really
understand how beautiful she is. I think that she
underestimates herself and for that reason she goes
through this self-destructive behavior to make herself
feel better about who she is.worth go up. I am part of
that, I just hope I did my part. I think she's in some
kind of weird S&M, fucked up relationship with a guy whose
far away and who she cheats on and then tells him. Which
explains why he's always a tool to me and why I think the
same of him And yea they have an "open" relationship but I
know I wouldn't want my girl telling me who she's banging.
Now by saying this I'm sure the first reaction is that you
just want to take his place. Believe me, I have enough
issues of my own...see the end of the last paragraph for
my response.
I also think that she's an awesome person. I think I
have a great time hanging out with her and I consider her
a good friend and I hope she stays that way, even after
reading this. I have nothing but respect and love for
her. :-D And to be honest, I'm still crazy about her, only
in a different way, although I would still give myself to
her and give her the nite of her life at the drop of a
hat. The difference? I feel the same about the other 4
billion women on this planet. I know that I am as bad as
Dan with not being able to say things in person, but then
again, she pretty much told me to put it in here. So there
you go. It's now 5 AM and I'm playing ball in 6 hrs so its
bed time.
More later.




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