PunkLemonade

Sometimes I Wonder If I Just Need Profes
2004-02-18 08:28:54 (UTC)

Blah

Yeah so I havent wrote in here in awhile, so I really dont
know what I have previously posted...o well.

Im at that point in my life where I dont know what the
fuck I am doing anymore. I seriously am lost.
And to top it off, Im having a breakdown in a sense.
I have finally realized I dont know who I am, who my
friends are, how to be happy, or any of that shit.
Then put a serious relationship on top of that...and yeah
Im just fucked.


I dont think I was meant to ever be in a serious
relationship, Im just not that kind of person.
I dont let feelings out. But since I have actually been
able to open up to someone, who has urged me too, I cant
stop. I cant stop crying, a lot of times for no reason. I
cant stop feeling inadequate. I can stop feeling
depressed. I cant stop feeling enormous amounts of anger.
I am just letting go of all my emotions that have built up
over the years. And it really sucks for him because they
are all being taken out on him.
But besides that, Im just horrible in relationships. I
just dont exactly know what it is. Maybe its because I
just want sex everyday. Maybe its because Im selfish.
Maybe because I dont feel worthy enough to be loved. Maybe
I really dont know how to love. Maybe Im just a
bastard...well it cant be that in the literal sense, but
still. Once again, Im just fucked up.

Ok so now Im just going off. So I will get back to the
first idea...me being lost.
I am in college going towards a degree that I dont know
what I want to do with.
I have no skills that will be useful in any job,
consdering I have only worked twice in my life and that
was at camp. Did I mention I dont like kids?
I grew up as a sheltered little brat, getting every damn
thing I wanted. And I was overprotected. So I really have
no street skills, I wouldnt know how to live by myself. I
mean for God sakes, I dont even know how to pump gas. Im
at a loss for normal everyday things. I expect to have
everything, yet I do and learn nothing, sad huh?
I have also realized I dont know who my friends are. You
think you know people, but you never really do. And I just
dont like trusting people, it hurts too much if they stab
you in the back.
I mean it may not seem like it sounds all that bad, but
when you just dont want to be in your body living your
life anymore because you dont see a future for
yourself...its not good. I mean I cant see into the future
and know where I want to be. I cannot picture myself doing
anything or being anyone, which leads me to believe that I
can see myself being dead in the future and thats about
it. If Im dead, Im pretty much doing nothing, right?
Yet, that whole thought of suicide just sends chills up my
back. I could never do that, I couldnt even bring myself
to cut my wrists. The only sense of relief I have found is
either getting really angry or getting pierced...and
pretty soon Im going to have to upgrade to tattoos. Not
that I have a ton of piercing or anything...but that shits
expensive and Im assuming a tattoo will hurt for longer.

Ok...I am lost again in my own thoughts. I feel sorry if
you are reading this because I dont even know where I am.
Im just in one of those get everything out moods since I
have no other outlet.

Im tired of writing this sappy feel sorry for myself shit.

But I must say one thing before I end this, boyfriends
suck!!!! No wait wait, revision...relationships suck!!! My
relation ship just happens to involve a guy...




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